Madonna looks great.  Madonna’s body remains in remarkable shape for someone who is 50, thanks to her punishing workouts and diet. But even looking great, she can’t seem to hold onto her guy.  In this case, director Guy Ritchie.  Maybe she should spend less tim on herself and more time on making a man happy.  

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1121343/As-Madonna-poses-ANOTHER-raunchy-album-picture-doing-70.html

According to the New York Post, Madonna and Yankee superstar Alex Rodriguez recently helicoptered in for a rendezvous at Jerry Seinfeld’s house in the Hamptons. Wow! Something about that is hilarious – it sounds like kids in high school who say, “you can make out in my car cause I’m working a double shift at Arby’s – it’s the green Falcon parked behind the dumpster – but whatever you do, don’t touch the weed in the ash tray or I’ll kill you!!!” Somehow billionaires pimping nooners is even more tawdry. “Use Heli-pad #5 because there’s less wind coming from the southeast – there are some nice 1931 Rothschilds in the wine cellar – and I’ll have Paul Prudhomme come by and cook dinner for you. Just use whatever bedroom Sienna Miller isn’t in.”

Madonna may be having a meltdown while preparing for her upcoming  “Sweet & Sticky” tour.   The combination of her marriage crisis, allegations of her affair with A-Rod, and her brother’s tell-all book have caused her to fire two dancers and pushed her famous mood swings to such terrifying extremes that her tour manager is threatening to walk out.  In fact a source close to Madonna says her promoter is seriously considering changing the name of the tour from “Sweet & Sticky” to “Cranky & Skanky.”

The Sun

Concert tickets to Madonna’s “Sweet & Sticky” tour are slow, and sales of her CD “Hard Candy” are disappointing.  What a shock!  It’s hard to imagine that people aren’t buying her as a coquette – maybe it’s the AARP tattoo peeking out from the thong line?   Or the vague smell of mothballs emanating from her peek-a-boo bra?  Or maybe it’s the blob of denture glue stuck to her tongue stud?   

Page Six

Madonna, who is known for her willingness to do almost anything to cause a sales-boosting stir, locked lips with one of her female backing dancers during a private concert in Paris yesterday, then asked the crowd: “Why do I have this relationship with France? I’m always drawn to working with French people and frenching French people. Vive la France!”  

Could it be, perhaps, that Madonna’s stunts are growing stale, or is that these antics were more beguiling when she wasn’t a peri-menopausal hag who’s worked out so much that she looks like one of the bodies in that traveling show of polyurethaned corpses?    What with AARP Magazine poised for delivery to her home, maybe she should start thinking about tossing in the towel on France and heading west to Branson.  There she can once again be the daring fresh-faced ingénue; maybe she can even hang out with Yakov Smirnoff and start working up a Russian accent for her next re-invention.  

SMH.com

Madonna was so impressed by the work her gardener Nathan Rissman did around the house that she hired him to direct her latest movie.   “[He] basically did everything for me,” said Madonna who produced and narrated the film, I Am Because We Are. “He was my gardener. He was my carpenter. He rerouted the electricity in my house. He looked after the children. He started making home movies of my children and they were amazing.”   Madonna hired him to make the documentary about African orphans and is thrilled with the job he did.  One embarrassing moment – after the premiere, Madonna took Rissman aside and told him she was docking him because her daffodils died while he was in post-production.  

All Headline News

As part of her traditional process of sharing way too much personal information in order to promote her new CD, Madonna admitted last week that her husband Guy Ritchie temporarily lost his libido while he was on a new weight loss plan called The Cookie Diet.  

Just a thought – what if his loss of libido had nothing to do with cookies – what if it’s because when the press tries to interview him she interrupts and answers the questions (in an English accent, no less!) and turns the attention on herself while he cringes?  Or that before he met her he directed Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch  (each with a rating of 8.1 on imdb) and since he met her he directed Swept Away (3.6 on imdb).   How about that she’s a combination of venal and venereal that Levitra Extra-Strength couldn’t dent?   If he hadn’t lost his libido already, it’s hard to imagine what, short of arsenic and saltpeter, might have been in those cookies. 

Daily Mail 

Madonna has given up on her attempt to adopt a little girl from Africa after getting frustrated with the endless red tape. She and her husband Guy Ritchie now have their hearts set on a tot from India.   A spokesman for the Indian government said, “This is a dream come true for us — now jobs and adoptions are both outsourced to us!  We work more, we sex more – life is very very good.” 

Telegraph

It appears Madonna is willing to go beyond hair and makeup to reinvent herself – now she’s using soft filters and digital trickery too.   Yes, that’s the same 49 year old Madonna who in recent pictures appeared haggard and stringy.  The picture above is from a new video supporting her international “Hot Flashes” tour.

This is what she actually looks like.    Apparently it just takes a few thousand dollars an hour to go from harpy back to MILFy. 

Daily Mail

Madonna, who at almost 50 is the most successful female recording artist in history, has already earned millions with her new album Hard Candy – even though it doesn’t go on sale until next month.  The singer has signed lucrative contracts with major companies including Vodafone and Unilever, which will use her music to sell products from mobile ­phones to hair care products.  As her demographic has aged, the focus of the products endorsed is slightly different: the Vodafone ads will be promoting a telephone that is hearing aid-compatible, the Unilever Sunsilk is dedicated to ear hair, and the “hard candy” referred to in the title is actually Viactiv the calcium supplement candy.   

Telegraph

According to her doctor, Madonna now has the same amount of meat on her as is contained in a single serving of chicken flavor Ramen noodles.  

Daily Mail 

 The saying goes one can never be too rich or too thin but these pictures of Madonna may disprove that theory.   Her heavily muscled arms have also been attributed to her use of  the miracle machine – The Power Plate.  Some miracle.  This look is not attractive to anyone but Madonna.

Daily Mail

There is such a thing as being too skinny.  It doesn’t look healthy.  Madonna is a perfect example.  She is so thin she looks ill.  Her razor sharp cheek bones are showing.  It doesn’t look good.  She looks hollow.  Is there no one to tell her?

Daily Mail