It’s been revealed that Brad and Angelina’s recent twins were conceived with the help of in vitro fertilization.  Brangelina is said to be so pleased with the “twofer” that they’re investigating other technologies that can allow them to expand their flock faster.   According to a source close to the couple, “Brad and Angelina are considering buying an abandoned doll factory in Mexico and having it retrofitted to produce human babies.  Brad also recently purchased the Superdome in his adopted home of New Orleans and is having it renovated so it can hold close to a thousand ‘mommy-coops,’ where surrogate mothers can do outboard incubations of Angelina’s eggs and Brad’s sperm.  To minimize paperwork on international adoptions, Brad and Angelina also bought the QE2; they have it anchored in international waters so the mothers can give birth and the babies can be brought ashore in tenders.”  The source added, “The philosopher Schopenhauer said that riches and fame are like sea-water; the more you drink the thirstier you become; Brad and Angelina are okay with their money and fame, it’s just babies they want more of, lots more.”    

NY Daily News

According to sources close to the French film industry, French production company Canal+ Pictures is close to signing a five year deal with Angelina Jolie.  According to a source close to Canal+, “Canal+ will change its name to BirthCanal+ and instead of action pictures will focus only on pictures of Angelina Jolie’s children.  After all, every picture of her babies makes millions – way more than you can say for their comedies and action pictures.  Her uterus is prolific and has a low overhead, and thanks to its merger with Brad Pitt’s production team, is cranking out reliably profitable top-quality pictures year after year.”  

Angelina Jolie has given birth to fraternal twins, a boy named Knox and a girl named Vivienne.   Grieving over the lost opportunities for placements, international adoption agencies have declared a day of mourning.  Also many Third World countries ordered their citizens to slow down their feverish unchecked breeding now that Brangelina will have less time and resources to adopt the overflow. According to a source close to a major Pan-Pacific adoption agency, “Things were already slow because of copycat adopter Madonna’s divorce.   We’re hoping the Hollywood people who blindly parrot the actions of celebrities will pick up the slack, but for the kids, it’s not really the same.  I mean, being adopted by a William Morris agent and his wife who’s in a play in Sherman Oaks is not the same as winding up with Brangie.   Who knows, you could even wind up in public school or eating in chain restaurants or going to birthday parties with under-$100-range-gifts.  This is not what we want for our kids, but I guess it’s any port in a storm.”   

LA Times

Billy Bob Thornton says his ex-wife Angelina Jolie will leave Brad Pitt and go back to him.  That actually sounds more like when the Weekly World News would do psychic predictions in their New Year’s issue – Dick Cheney will reveal he’s an alien, and Angelina Jolie will choose her abusive hillbilly freak white-haired OCD skeletal afraid-to-fly ex-husband over Brad Pitt. 

marie claire

The world is abuzz about how rich Brangelina is now that they bought that mansion in France.   On top of the reported $65 million the pair is spending on their French villa, there are armed cars and helicopters and they’re spending hundreds of thousands decorating the nursery with chandeliers and organza bassinets.   To top it off, Brad Pitt flew to Switzerland and bought three pieces of rare furniture for half a million dollars.   It seems kind of silly to buy a coffee table for 300 grand when you have six kids, but I guess once you’re that rich, you hire a nanny just to take care of the table, and if she does a good job, maybe she can get bumped up to walking dogs or feeding cats and if that goes well, one day she can be allowed to take care of Zahara or Shiloh.   

 msnbc

There’s now a bidding war for the first photos of Brangelina’s twin babies, and the price is already up to $15 million.  I expressed my feelings on this issue a couple months ago in regard to J.Lo, and because I hold my opinions on the subject in such high regard, I’m going to take the liberty of cannibalizing myself: 

Jennifer Lopez got $6 million for photos of her twins.  Christina Aguilera got $2 million.   People, get a grip.  There are 350,000 babies born every day, and unless you’re the parent, they’re basically interchangeable.  Babies scream on planes, they hog the world’s supply of mashed lima beans, and they grow up and take jobs from Americans.  When people read People, they want to learn about celebrities, not about the bawling little monsters that are going to wring out the celebrity’s breasts and change her from a booty-shaking hotcake into a homebody.  The magazine is called People, not Unformed People!   Plus, once a celebrity has a baby, all she’ll talk about is how much more important the baby is than her career, and to people who love celebrities, that can be very insulting.  When it comes to celebrity babies, they should be not seen and not heard.    

contactmusic.com

Angelina Jolie says she “bought original, real guns of the type we used in Tomb Raider for security. (I’m) not against having a gun in the house, and … yes, I’d be able to use it if I had to.” And in a related story…

it’s a big article about how Brad Pitt thinks pregnancy is sexy!   Y’know, that’s probably a smart thing to tell your hormone-crazed, heavily-tattooed girlfriend who’s pregnant and doesn’t have a ring yet but keeps a gun in the house and isn’t afraid to use it…

China Daily

Vanity Fair

Brangelina has plunked down $70 million for a 35 bedroom estate called Chateau Miraval that comes complete with its own vineyard, swimming pool, moat, lake and forest. According to a source close to the couple, they like the house although they’ll eventually have to expand it so each child can have their own bedroom.   “For the time being the kids will room together alphabetically,” said the source.  “The ones from Laos, Lesotho, Libya and Liberia will share a room until Brad and Angelina can scrape up a few bucks to bump out the east wing.”

Daily Mail

Okay so it looks like there are either octuplets or maybe 300 pounds of potatoes under that thing.  But compared to way too many pregnant women, she looks fantastic.   And it has nothing to do with the fact that she’s movie-star pretty or that the dress is comprised of two dozen yards of incredibly expensive fabric – it has to do with the fact that she isn’t wearing a belly-shirt and looking like a pained sweaty sow with her tummy pushing the top seam of her sweatpants down to her hairline, or that she isn’t wearing a Tony Soprano t-shirt with the bra strap showing.   “America’s Mom” is covering the tattoos, and she’s even keeping the dairy section under wraps.   Happy Mother’s Day, Angelina.  (pictured below — Madonna pregnant, just as an example).

Brangelina and the kids are holed up in Microsoft cofounder Paul Allen’s villa on the French Riviera while Brad hunts for a permanent home and Angelina prepares to give birth during the summer.   The couple loves France; according to a source close to the couple, “they’re eager to really live there full time – they love the language, the food, everything.   They’re also anxious to switch over to the French economy because it’s tougher and tougher to buy orphans in bulk with the weak U.S. dollar.”

 New Zealand Herald

Sources in a position to have information regarding a secret wedding ceremony between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie confirmed to Star that the couple married in the French Quarter Wedding Chapel on Saturday.   A source close to the couple added that “if you’d like to get the couple a gift, you can’t go wrong with an orphan.” 

Star

In a move meant to honor the actress’ late mother Marcheline Bertrand, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have bought a chateau in the south of France and will make it their family home.  According to insiders, the decision was also influenced by the fact that Brad and Angelina wanted to further expand their family while being sensitive to environmental issues.  “The European location will make it easier for them to tap into the international baby supply without expanding their carbon footprint,” said a source close to the couple.  “Positioned near the port of Marseilles, they can have palettes of babies shipped from Africa and Asia on tankers and containerships that are already carrying other items, saving jet fuel.  They can have cargo pods trucked in from Eastern Europe and Russia, crammed with children and babies.  With no transatlantic conveyance, it’s really very green.“  

Times Of India

Angelina Jolie won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress in 1999, but a new report says that the trophy has gone missing.    According to sources close to Jolie, the actress said she “can’t quite remember – I may have traded it for Maddox.  If we really need it we could look for it in Kuala Lumpur, or wherever that one came from.”   

Times of India

Authorities say Angelina Jolie returned from Baghdad empty-handed last week after learning how unaffordable Iraqi orphans are with the weak U.S. dollar. Sources close to the actress said with Hollywood at a virtual standstill because of the writer’s strike Jolie has been forced to scale back on her collecting and was considering acquiring new babies via e-Bay, craigslist, and even her own uterus. Orphans around the world expressed optimism that the writers would ratify their contract so “that pretty lady with the fleshy lips can take me to live with Maddox.”
 

MSNBC 

Experts say that a tell tale sign of extreme weight loss and over exercise is pulsing blue veins. Besides the vein in her forehead,  veins have popped up on her arms, hands and wrists.  She still looks gorgeous but her explanation that “Someone saying to me that I’m thin is not a compliment. I’ve always been lean and this year I lost my mom and I’ve gone through a lot. I have four kids and I finished breastfeeding – it’s been hard to get my nutrition back on track.”  Yes, we all understand the pressure you’ve been under this year.  But she has to know that nothing is more important than one’s health.  You’ve got a great life but it will mean nothing if you are sick. 

Daily Mail