Celebrities usually hate appearing in an outfit that’s been worn before. But as part of a campaign to encourage people to swap their unwanted clothing, Lindsay Lohan was photographed in several second hand outfits.  A good cause, a nice idea, but what is it with Lindsay Lohan that even when she does a charity thing she dresses up like a porn actress?  Wasn’t it like two years ago she was a respected young actress, with a dimply smile and an ingénue twinkle in her eye?   Usually child stars have a few years of anonymity where they do regional theater and get a real estate license and find religion and have a couple divorces before they start pushing 40 and then they strip down in hopes of revitalizing their careers — either do a Playboy spread or start painting pictures with their ass like Farrah Fawcett.  (Remember that?!)   Although in a way doing this at age 21 is a smart move — at least this way Lindsay doesn’t have to get a bunch of expensive plastic surgery to cheapen herself. 

thisislondon

Estelle Getty was unable to attend, but Bea Arthur, Rue McClanahan, and Betty White reunited at the TV Land Awards in Los Angeles last night.   Isn’t it amazing that two of the Beatles are gone but all of the Golden Girls are still alive and kicking?   

dlisted

Amy Winehouse has apologized for a video which shows her singing racist chants to the tune of children’s song  ‘Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes’.  In the chant she replaced the words with ‘Blacks, pakis, gooks and nips’ followed by: ‘And deaf and dumb and blind and gay.’    Despite Amy’s apology, a source close to the singer thought there was nothing to be sorry for.  “Oh, come on, cut Amy some slack,” said the source.  “It wasn’t Amy, it was just the liquor talking – and the crack and heroin and crank and ice.  And the pot and acid and meth and Valtrex.  And the opium and hash and gasoline and coke and cough syrup and glue.   Don’t blame her.” 

stuff.co.nz

Jessica Alba had her baby this weekend and the news has been conspicuously devoid of anything about her baby photos being sold to a magazine for millions of dollars.  Jessica told the Daily News last week that there hadn’t been any offers, and you have to wonder – how lousy does this make her husband Cash Warren feel?   He probably wangled his way into her graces by convincing her he was a big Hollywood presence – now his DNA has rendered a half-Alba bambino valueless.   J.Lo and Marc Anthony got $6 million and people like Sheryl Crow, Nicole Richie, and Christina Aguilera  — all lesser lights than Jessica Alba — have made millions.   Jessica has to be wondering if she should have married Good Luck Chuck co-star Dane Cook or Fantastic Four co-star Michael Chiklis or even James Cameron who created Dark Angel, really anyone other than Mr. Suck-The-Fame-Out-Of-My-Baby Warren.

Lycos Entertainment

The New York City Opera has commissioned American composer Charles Wuorinen to write an opera based on “Brokeback Mountain,” a love story about two U.S. ranch-hands that won three Oscars when it was turned into a movie.   So basically all the progress the movie made to make a gay love affair approachable and comprehensible to heterosexual men is being undone in one swipe – now, heterosexual men will once again view same-sex love as overly theatrical and alienatingly incomprehensible and on top of it, excruciatingly long and boring.  Reuters

Kevin Federline, who has two sons with ex-wife Britney Spears, received the Father of the Year accolade from Las Vegas nightclub Prive.  K-Fed will be awarded the prize in a ceremony two days before Father’s Day.  According to a source close to Federline, he is considering issuing a pamphlet to share his parenting tips with the other dads who he outshone in the contest: 

• Don’t bang Montessori school teachers on a school night
• No drinking from open containers when kids are in car
• As fun as it is, don’t call the kids S***head and F***face
• Stop using GI Joes to make bongs
• Don’t bang Moms of other kids at birthday parties until after cake is served
• Don’t just drop the kids off and let Amy Winehouse babysit them every weekend
• Ditch that “show don’t tell” approach to telling about the birds and the bees
• When you read Dr. Seuss at bedtime, don’t do it as a rap, it gives the kids nightmares 
• Don’t bang the nanny till kids have gone to bed

 The Age

This is true, this is not made up. 

Explaining why she had to be carried out of the Glamour Women Of The Year Awards on Tuesday night, Lily Allen said, ‘My gin, bubbly, beer and vodkas were spiked.”   

With what, alcohol????  Kind of like OJ Simpson saying Nicole would have been fine if some prankster hadn’t switched the harmless iron blade he was using to tease her with one made of forged steel one. 

Daily Mail

Courtney Love says someone stole a pink teddy bear shaped bag that contained the ashes of her late husband, grunge rocker Kurt Cobain. “They were all I had left of my husband.”   According to Courtney, the last time she saw them was right before Keith Richards visited her, and he was looking for some – hey wait a minute!  

L.A. Times

Ethan Hawke and his pregnant fiancée Ryan Shawhughes, the former nanny of his children with Uma Thurman, were spotted applying for a marriage license on Tuesday.  

Huffington Post

According to Tom Cruise, his daughter Suri has taken to accompanying her mom Katie Holmes to luxurious spa treatments where the two get their nails done.  On paper, sounds kind of nice, but Katie should stop and consider something – it just might be a bad sign when your friends are so alienated that your “spa day” has to be with your 2-year-old daughter…  

Thaindian

It gets boring describing the dates of male celebs: Beautiful.  Gorgeous.  Slinky.  Shapely.  Yawn.  But fortunately…

…the recent wave of lesbian celebrities have gal pals who are allowing us to deploy some less threadbare adjectives:  Unembellished.  Down-to-earth.  Robust.   Sturdy.  Well-nourished.   Stalwart.   Hardy.   Strapping.  Burly.  Brawny.  Beefy.   Loggerly.   And in Samantha Ronson’s case:  Exsanguinated.   Ropy.   Cadaverous.  Corpselike. 

Much more fun!  Thank you, lesbians!

According to a BBC report, Kelsey Grammer suffered a mild heart attack while paddle-boating in Hawaii this weekend.  He’s going to be fine but according to a source close to Grammer, “he’s kind of pissed off, and he has a right to be.  I mean if you heard that God was going to lay a heart attack on a former “Cheers” castmember, consider your choices…”

“Those people couldn’t even get in a damn paddle-boat!!!   Why Kelsey?”

National Enquirer

Tilda Swinton’s partner has admitted he has another lover.  Director John Byrne, 67, has been romantically involved with theatre lighting director Jeanine Davis, 42, for two years.  Tilda, 47, has already admitted enjoying a relationship with 29-year-old German painter Sandro Kopp.  Tilda and John live in Scotland with their twin 10-year-olds and they’re all happy in the relationship and they’ve all met each other.  Wow!  

 It actually sounds like a question on a math test:  if a 67 year old has sex 62 times in a year, but only has it with the 47 year old 35 times, and the 47 year old has sex 121 times in a year but has it with the 29 year old 93 times, how many times did the 67 year old have sex with the 42 year old?  ANSWER:  There’s no way to know because there were a lot of threesomes.  

oneindia.com

There’s now a bidding war for the first photos of Brangelina’s twin babies, and the price is already up to $15 million.  I expressed my feelings on this issue a couple months ago in regard to J.Lo, and because I hold my opinions on the subject in such high regard, I’m going to take the liberty of cannibalizing myself: 

Jennifer Lopez got $6 million for photos of her twins.  Christina Aguilera got $2 million.   People, get a grip.  There are 350,000 babies born every day, and unless you’re the parent, they’re basically interchangeable.  Babies scream on planes, they hog the world’s supply of mashed lima beans, and they grow up and take jobs from Americans.  When people read People, they want to learn about celebrities, not about the bawling little monsters that are going to wring out the celebrity’s breasts and change her from a booty-shaking hotcake into a homebody.  The magazine is called People, not Unformed People!   Plus, once a celebrity has a baby, all she’ll talk about is how much more important the baby is than her career, and to people who love celebrities, that can be very insulting.  When it comes to celebrity babies, they should be not seen and not heard.    

contactmusic.com

Superchef Gordon Ramsey revealed how he gets his daughter, Megan, 10, to eat veggies. “I say to Meg, You’ve got to eat your lettuce, otherwise your boobies aren’t going to grow.” He tells his son, Jack, 8, “If you don’t eat your carrots, your widget’s not going to grow.”  Maybe this is a British thing… in fact, maybe it explains the picture below…  

yahoo

A Penthouse Pet named Kobe Kaige has joined celebrities like Pam Anderson, Alicia Silverstone, and Eva Mendes in posing nude for PETA.   Doesn’t the whole ‘getting nude’ thing seem a little less special and impactful when it’s someone who already spends most of their professional life naked?  That’s like having Ralph Lauren wear a shirt with an embroidered polo pony on it.    And anyway in all likelihood she’s probably posed nude for the Des Moines Kiwanis Club, the Lazy Eye Research Council, and a troop of Boy Scouts.   

javno

Actress / singer / temporary lesbian Lindsay Lohan is looking to add something else to her resume — she wants to launch her own perfume.  The 21-year-old reveals she’s been toying with the idea for some time, but insists the fragrance is still in its early stages.   That’s weird – according to sources close to Lindsay, she already has a fragrance…

showbiz spy

Charlie Sheen married real estate investor Brooke Mueller at a private estate in Los Angeles on Friday.  Mueller, 30, and Sheen, 42, exchanged vows in front of about 60 close friends and family.  Among the guests were Grey’s Anatomy star Eric Dane and actress Rebecca Gayheart, who first introduced the couple in 2006.   According to sources close to Sheen, the bachelor party began the Thursday before the wedding and will continue until the bride files for divorce. 

AFP 

Scandal on the Sex and the City front!  It turns out Sarah Jessica Parker wore a dress to the Sex and the City premiere that had already been worn by someone to a ball on May 5!!!   In a related story, it turned out every man who went to the premiere wore the same expression they did when they heard that OJ was innocent – queasy bewilderment.     NY Times

Angelina Jolie says she “bought original, real guns of the type we used in Tomb Raider for security. (I’m) not against having a gun in the house, and … yes, I’d be able to use it if I had to.” And in a related story…

it’s a big article about how Brad Pitt thinks pregnancy is sexy!   Y’know, that’s probably a smart thing to tell your hormone-crazed, heavily-tattooed girlfriend who’s pregnant and doesn’t have a ring yet but keeps a gun in the house and isn’t afraid to use it…

China Daily

Vanity Fair

It’s true – Brit may be bound for the Great Whitetrash Way.  The singer was so impressive on her recent appearance on “How I Met Your Mother” that Broadway producers are interested in putting her in the show “Grease.”  According to sources close to the theater scene, it’s more likely she’ll appear in a musical production of “Urinesample.”

news.com

Jennifer Butler, Bill Murray’s wife of ten years, filed for divorce, alleging he’s a sex and drug addict, he abandoned her, and he cheated and physically abused her. She asked the court to determine if the couple’s $7 million pre-nup is valid.   Uh oh, I can almost see the movie posters now… “”Groundhog’s Day All Over Again”… “Caddyshack – The Rematch”… “Lost In Translation: Las Vegas”…

Associated Press

It’s the big Sex and the City premiere in New York City, and menfolk are hiding in bunkers as mobs of tipsy trollops take over the town.   Good news for Gotham — the floozies flooding into town from as far away as Asia are snapping up shoes, dinners, and premium cocktails at a feverish rate.  “This is great for the economy,” said a source close to the Mayor’s office as he held up a commemorative t-shirt saying “WHORES MEAN BUSINESS.”   “These roundheels are not just stimulating their vaginas, they’re stimulating the economy.”  

The positive impact hasn’t been lost on the tourism boards of other U.S. cities, and officials are already taking action to re-create it; according to sources, some cities have actually taken to recruiting wagtails.  According to a highly ranked source in the Minneapolis mayor’s office, an Iowa cheerleader known as “Easy Eva” shirked plans to go to Florida State and instead accepted a cash “skankership” to sleep her way around St. Paul.  “If we can establish a strong grassback culture in the Twin Cities, hopefully Hollywood will take notice and we can enjoy the same kind of economic stimulus as New York.”      

telegraph

Paul McCartney was awarded with an honorary music degree at Yale University last weekend.  According to sources at Yale who insisted on not being revealed, there was one unfortunate moment when Heather Mills showed up claiming she was entitled to half the degree.   When Mills was rebuffed by authorities, she eased her sorrows by disappearing into one of the frat houses, where according to the brothers inside she impressed an impromptu crowd with her “disappearing leg trick.”

popcrunch

It’s not a great look but it’s a safe bet her upholsterer is over the moon.  And, in light of Britney and Lindsay’s usual limo exits, it’s quite refreshing to see Pampers instead of prosciutto.     

yesican’tseeyou

Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael says his daughter’s lesbian relationship with Samantha Ronson is perfectly obvious, and it doesn’t bother him.    Why should it, really?   At least this way she won’t get knocked up in a Sturgis free-for-all or by one of his prison buddies; in fact the fathers of Britney and Paris and Peaches Geldof should be so lucky as to have their daughters go Lesbyterian until they hit 30 or they wrestle their blood alcohol content below .10, whichever comes first.   Slow the flow of celebutard juniors into the world, save a few divorces – this could be a great thing…  

Daily News

More celebsbians in the news:  talking last week about her upcoming marriage to Portia de Rossi, Ellen DeGeneres asked Jenna Bush Hager “So, can we borrow it for our wedding? Can we get the ranch?” With her mother, First Lady Laura Bush, sitting by her side, Jenna said, “Sure.”   A source close to Ellen admitted that the entertainer doesn’t really want to get married there, but “she just got really excited about having a lesbian wedding at a place called the Bush Ranch.”   

People

Yes, this blog dedicates much of its energy to haranguing Sex and the City.  But THIS one item is fun enough to make the endless pictures of SJP endurable.  Click on the bold type and enjoy.  Go on, do it, it’s not like you’ll get an electrical shock or something, it’s just a link — come on, you big chicken –click it… Six and the City

According to a report in the Palm Beach Coast newspaper, Jupiter Island resident Celine Dion used a whopping 6.5 million gallons of water last year to water her property, or enough to fill a 50-gallon bathtub about every four minutes!   A source close to the newspaper said it’s especially ironic to see the Canadian singer’s name atop the list of water gluttons because, “she’s a 90 pound celebrity, so it’s only a matter of time till she’s hospitalized for dehydration.”   

Editor and Publisher

That’s 48 hours or 2880 minutes or 4000 orgasms!!!!  I don’t think we need any more proof that straight men definitely don’t control the media!!!!  Do we!!!!For a hetero guy to have half the movie-boner women do over Sex and the City, it would take a $180 million Michael Bay movie called “Super Bowl!” that would be somehow set on Omaha Beach and show Osama being nuked live and serve moviegoers roasted turkey legs and Heineken and feature live cheerleaders in theaters that the guys in the audience could control the nudity of (sorry I know that ended with a preposition but I got myself kind of excited.)   

Lindsay Lohan and her friend Samantha Ronson, an out of the closet lesbian, looked like sweethearts in Cannes, nuzzling each other’s necks and enjoying all manner of Sapphic canoodlings while attending a party on Sean “Diddy” Combs’ yacht.   A Hollywood source expressed positive feelings about Lohan’s involvement.  “If she’s going to have sex, it’s only a matter of time until she does it in front of a camcorder or a cell phone camera,” said the source.  “Hopefully this will answer Hollywood’s chronic drought of celebrity gay sex tapes.”  

NY Post

Sharon Stone has drawn outrage with her comments that the tragic earthquake in China two weeks ago was the result of bad karma because of the Chinese government’s treatment of Tibet.   A source close to the Chinese government shot back, “Sharon Stone wants to talk about karma???   Look at her career — she must have dropped an atom bomb on a Montessori school.  She used to be the #1 hot star in Hollywood – now she’s like a cat lady who has to say retarded s*** to get press coverage.”

herald sun

Brangelina has plunked down $70 million for a 35 bedroom estate called Chateau Miraval that comes complete with its own vineyard, swimming pool, moat, lake and forest. According to a source close to the couple, they like the house although they’ll eventually have to expand it so each child can have their own bedroom.   “For the time being the kids will room together alphabetically,” said the source.  “The ones from Laos, Lesotho, Libya and Liberia will share a room until Brad and Angelina can scrape up a few bucks to bump out the east wing.”

Daily Mail

She just broke up with Owen Wilson, and now Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong are officially an item!   After spending the night with her, Lance emerged from her bedroom wearing a yellow shirt.   Though Armstrong has retired from bicycle races, a source close to the athlete says, “maybe he’s not the stage leader in the Tour de France, but he wore the yellow shirt as a symbol of his conquest.  Lance is very competitive with his friends, and he’s proud to be the guy who’s currently porking People Magazine’s most beautiful person, at least for the next day or two.” 

RTE

Jessica Alba and Cash Warren were quietly married in Beverly Hills this week.  That’s nice.   But somehow any news about celebrities this week that isn’t from Cannes is sort of sad – kind of like reading about baseball players who tell everyone they’re excited about not making the All-Star team because they can really use the three days off to go home and take care of their lawn.  Or how when a whole office takes a business trip to Hawaii and someone has to stay back at the home office and answer the phones.   Congratulations on your marriage, Jessica – hopefully things’ll go better next year and you’ll get to go to Cannes. 

People

Rosie O’Donnell and Fran Drescher are developing a new sitcom about two women coping with mid-life crises. The two pals hope to star in “The New Thirty.”  

Okay, who’s behind this?  An Ear Nose & Throat version of Dr. Kevorkian who does mercy work by shoving knitting needles in your ears and then pouring in a stream of lye?  Or a coven of shrieking battle-axes looking to make themselves look dulcet by contrast?   If this gets on the air and is a hit, male consumption of beer stands to increase by 60%, heroin and morphine by 140%, and the Good Samaritans might as well just set up nets under bridges.  Dear God, and I thought I was dreading the Sex and the City movie…. 

starpulse

Rick Schroder says the biggest mistake of his life was changing his name from “Ricky” 18 years ago in an effort to sound more mature. “When I turned 18, my agent was like, You should change from Ricky to Rick. I thought it was a good idea.”   Somewhere there’s a guy named Dick Hertz sitting in a padded cell with the same lamentation — just wishing he’d stuck with “Ricky”…

msnbc

Denise Richards insisted Wednesday she never asked for her ex-husband Charlie Sheen’s sperm, despite a purported e-mail that Sheen claims proves she asked him in April 2007 to father a third child via artificial insemination.  “The e-mail’s not legitimate. It’s a doctored e-mail,” Richards told the Today Show’s Matt Lauer Wednesday.  A source close to Richards, concerned that her statement could be misinterpreted, was quick to add that, “in no way is this meant to imply that Denise is anti-sperm.  She loves sperm and holds it in the highest regard.  Sperm has always been an important part of her daily life and she considers herself an enthusiast if not an aficionado.  She regards it as a versatile household product, and has always maintained that ‘sperm will get you through times without money better that money will get you through times with no sperm.’  It was only in this instance that she was specifically opposed to Charlie Sheen’s sperm.” 

MSNBC

Okay so it looks like there are either octuplets or maybe 300 pounds of potatoes under that thing.  But compared to way too many pregnant women, she looks fantastic.   And it has nothing to do with the fact that she’s movie-star pretty or that the dress is comprised of two dozen yards of incredibly expensive fabric – it has to do with the fact that she isn’t wearing a belly-shirt and looking like a pained sweaty sow with her tummy pushing the top seam of her sweatpants down to her hairline, or that she isn’t wearing a Tony Soprano t-shirt with the bra strap showing.   “America’s Mom” is covering the tattoos, and she’s even keeping the dairy section under wraps.   Happy Mother’s Day, Angelina.  (pictured below — Madonna pregnant, just as an example).

Jodie Foster broke up with her longtime companion movie producer Cydney Bernard after a 14 year lesbian love affair.  Sources close to the couple say Jodie has started seeing another woman, and Bernard is already working on a tell-all book called “The Starter Dyke.”

National Enquirer

Dina Lohan has some disappointing news. Her daughter Lindsay won’t be appearing on “Living Lohan,” the upcoming reality show in which Dina attempts to jump-start the career of Lindsay’s younger sister, Ali. The reason, Dina says, is that she feels it would cheapen Lindsay and be a step backward for her career.  

Dina, forget a reality show, it’s time for a reality check – after a year of rehabs, Razzies, wrecked cars, and refusals by other actors to work with her, the only thing that would be a step backward for Lindsay is a snuff film… and then only if the production values were shoddy and there were children involved.  

New York 

According to an interview in the new GQ, Marston Hefner – Hugh Hefner’s 18 year old son, who spent much of his youth at the Playboy mansion – had what he calls a “fairly normal childhood.”  According to the article, he’s just graduating high school, likes video games, and seems more interested in world events than scoping chicks with Bill Maher. 

Although if you step back, one part of his childhood is anything but normal.  For most boys, the first time they see a Playboy Magazine is a seminal experience, no pun intended.  Someone’s older brother, acting like a power broker, offers you a look at one he shoplifted.  Perhaps it’s the thrilling squalor of finding one that Dad has stashed in his wood shop.   Or the unbelievable serendipity of finding one in the garbage or a vacant lot or the woods.     For young Marston, you’d have to guess that his first Playboy was at a time when it didn’t mean anything, back in his days of children’s books, when the things you read were printed on washable fabric.  Which actually isn’t such a bad idea for Playboy Magazine, come to think of it… you know, in case you spill food on it while you’re reading the articles…

GQ

By waving your Cannes around London, of course!   

A website has been created to advertise sponsorship opportunities for Lindsay Lohan’s 22nd birthday party. According to the site, the party will be a “unique branding opportunity” for companies looking to get in good with Lindsay’s demographic.  Oh boy, line up the blue chip companies on this one – I’m thinking Smirnoff’s and some kind of ointment that keeps genital warts from itching. 

dizmajiz.com

The premiere is just ten days away and it’s building and building and I’m so excited I can’t stand it. Right now as I watch the trailer on TV and read an article about Kim Cattrall’s childhood, it’s like the marketing department is kissing the nape of my neck, tantalizing me … they know how to take their time, make me wait while I build to a frenzy of desire… Wednesday when Kristen Davis reveals the details of her peanut allergies to “OK” it’ll be like a foot massage… Friday when SJP reveals that her best friend growing up was Presbyterian, it’ll be like a thousand kisses on my thighs, each one making me scream with passion… next Tuesday when I learn from a source close to Cynthia what shoes she’ll be wearing to the NY premiere my pulse will be racing, like I’m watching my honeymoon chocolate fountain be delivered to the bedroom… when on Thursday I get a look at SJP’s dress I’ll feel like my clothes are being peeled off, a stitch at a time… and then Friday – MAY 30! — after all this time and anticipation, finally the consummation… which better not be impotent and disappointing and forgettable, or it’ll leave me feeling really frustrated and crabby and irritable after all that buildup.    

Scarlett Johansson refused to go to Cannes to launch Woody Allen’s latest movie after a film studio refused to finance her queenly demands.   The French branch of Warner Brothers had spent weeks negotiating with the actress’s representatives; they offered to pay for flights, a hotel, and limousines, and to arrange for designers to show her gowns and for her to share hair and make-up designers with her co-stars, but Johansson demanded her own exclusive make-up consultant at a cost of $40,000 for four days.  Additionally, while Woody Allen, Penelope Cruz and the rest of the cast were staying in a centrally located hotel to make it easier for them to attend the festival, Johansson insisted on staying at a hotel 30 miles out of town.   

This is yet another example of America being the best at everything – while the French have been accused of being rude, snotty, stuck up and pushy, they rarely follow through; it takes an American movie star to show them how it’s really done! 

Mail Online

Last week, Victoria “Bony Spice” Beckham made two wonderful statements.  One day, she announced that she needs to wear high heels because she can’t concentrate when she’s wearing flats.  Another day, she made the surprising statement that contrary to popular opinion, she’s not really unhappy or glum, it’s just the way her face falls.  Posh, here’s a tip – if you took off those painful shoes and let some gas out of those achingly tight implants and didn’t wear leather pants that fit tighter on your legs than they did on the cow’s, maybe you could  concentrate.  And maybe instead of falling into a frown, your face would form a smile if you went out and got yourself a nice meatball sandwich.  That’s the combo – sneakers, a Snickers, and a smile.  Give it a shot.

Daily Mail

Anne Heche told a judge last week that since her show Men In Trees was cancelled, she could no longer afford to make her $15,000 a month child support payments to her ex-husband. 

Of course hindsight is 20-20 but now that same-sex weddings are legal in California and it turns out her former lover Ellen DeGeneres is the marrying kind, it looks like Anne should have hung in and waited for a ring.  But I guess if you give away the peanuts, they won’t buy the whole circus. 

Of course if Anne stayed with Ellen she probably would have been injected with a dose of David Crosby’s celebrity semen by now and would have a half-walrus child like Melissa Etheridge (David Crosby being, of course, the de facto spunk source for noted lesbian couples).  Speaking of which, I’d pay to hear Melissa Etheridge give the birds and the bees speech to her kids:  “When two women meet and fall in love and they want to have a child and Meat Loaf won’t return their calls….”

People

The offer is on the table:  Hugh Hefner wants Miley Cyrus to pose for Playboy in three years when she turns 18.   “She’d be welcomed in the magazine,” said Hef.  “Very pretty lady.”   According to sources close to Hefner, the publisher is hoping that when the day comes, he’ll be able to seal the deal with her the way he does with all his models – by having sex.  In fact, according to the source, Hefner is already talking to taxidermists to make arrangements for an erection.  

oneindia

Heather Mills has been accused of breaking a promise to provide new artificial legs for a Russian woman.   After meeting the woman who lost both her legs in a train accident, the former model pledged $20,000 – while cameras were on and the press was there –but never handed over the cash, despite repeated promises.  This story has added to the public’s perception of Heather as a greedy, heartless, venal monster, but according to sources close to Heather, there are mitigating circumstances:  “People shouldn’t judge Heather by this.   That $20,000 was very special to her because it was some of the royalties on a song written by her ex-husband just four years before Heather was born.  Either that or it was wages for a threesome with an Arab sheik, she can’t remember exactly, but either way, it’s a chunk of money that represented something very special to her.”     

glosslip.com

Britney Spears has been in yet another car crash, this time rear-ending a red SUV on Sunset Boulevard.  Britney didn’t make People Magazine’s “100 Most Beautiful People Issue,” but she’s looking like a lock for Car & Driver’s “100 Most Un-insurable.”

telegraph

I’m not fortunate enough to have a vagina but if I did it would be screaming “ADD COOLANT!  I’M GONNA BOIL OVER!”   It’s crazy – SJP wore a green hat to the London premiere, and Kim Cattrall went barefoot, and the two hate each other so much they made a spectacle of themselves!   Plus — spoiler alert – they’re going to have a lot of purses and a lot of drinks and they’ll talk about men the way they believe men talk about women in locker rooms and everybody will laugh and cry a lot but at the end of the day they’ll just have more wrinkles and more shoes but I won’t know the details because I’m vagina-deficient so I’m going to stay home and watch that show about the guys who go fishing for giant crabs. 

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes played babysitter for the Beckhams when they took the three kids to watch David play soccer in L.A.   Apparently there was one strange moment – sources at a nearby luxury box report that when the Beckham’s youngest boy got an absent look and began burbling something about “ga-ga goo-goo,” Tom got very excited, ranting that, “the thetan is clear of engrams!  We have a new leader!”   Sources say Cruise continued bellowing at the frightened child through a purple plastic e-meter until the kid began to cry, at which point authorities subdued the actor.

 Telegraph.co.uk

Oops, wrong photo – that’s Amy Winehouse out for a run in the park…

In this photo from Italian Vogue, she shows how she quit smoking in rehab too.   Mmm, Parmigiana Reggiano!   

… and your little dog too!       

Mother’s Day was a big event for celebrities, with lots of togetherness and gifts.   According to Hollywood insiders, here are some of the presents that were given around Hollywood yesterday:   Brad Pitt got Angelina Jolie got a copy of the Kelly Blue Book with orphan prices.   David Beckham gave Posh Spice a sandwich but she made him trade it for diamond earrings.    Pam Anderson’s kids gave her a Director’s Chair with the words “Our next stepdad sits here.”   As per their Sunday tradition, Tom Cruise gave Katie Holmes a bubble-bath and a brainwashing.   Rob Lowe gave his wife season tickets to an NBA locker room.    And after watching her promote her latest album, Guy Ritchie enrolled Madonna in the Taliban, saying “they know a lot more about women growing into 50 gracefully than she does.” 

Star Jones is mad as hell.  She’s been railing against Barbara Walters, saying Barbara only revealed her affair with an African-American senator in the 1970’s as a tawdry way to sell copies of her new book.   “It is a sad day when an icon like Barbara Walters, in the sunset of her life, is reduced to publicly branding herself as an adulterer, humiliating an innocent family with accounts of her illicit affair and speaking negatively against me all for the sake of selling a book. It speaks to her true character,” Jones told Us Weekly magazine.   According to a source close to The View, though, “Star is just letting off some steam.  The truth is, she’s just jealous because Barbara Walters got to have sex with a black man.” 

International Herald Tribune

Only three weeks until the Sex and the City premiere!   21 days and counting, and America’s collective vagina can hardly contain its excitement.   In fact the hormonal pull of this movie is so strong that gynecologists are reporting national changes in ovulation schedules; a source close to The New England Journal of Medicine called Sex and the City “the ultimate dominant menstruator,” and predicts the moon could actually be pulled slightly off axis the weekend of the premiere. 

A new stamp honoring Frank Sinatra goes on sale next week.   First-day-of-sale ceremonies for the 42-cent stamp will be held Tuesday in three locations familiar to the famed singer and actor– New York City, Hoboken and Las Vegas.

According to a source close to the post office, the stamp works differently than most – it pays you $500 to lick it, and the next morning it eats fried eggs off your chest.  

 AZ Central

Susan Sarandon has taken the plunge – at age 61, she got a tattoo.   The tattoos are the initials of the two sons she’s had with boyfriend Tim Robbins and the daughter she had with director boyfriend Franco Amurri.   A source close to the tattoo artist said he was proud to do the tattoos for the actress, saying “her back is kind of like a war memorial of celebrity children born out of wedlock.”

Daily Mail 

Madonna, who is known for her willingness to do almost anything to cause a sales-boosting stir, locked lips with one of her female backing dancers during a private concert in Paris yesterday, then asked the crowd: “Why do I have this relationship with France? I’m always drawn to working with French people and frenching French people. Vive la France!”  

Could it be, perhaps, that Madonna’s stunts are growing stale, or is that these antics were more beguiling when she wasn’t a peri-menopausal hag who’s worked out so much that she looks like one of the bodies in that traveling show of polyurethaned corpses?    What with AARP Magazine poised for delivery to her home, maybe she should start thinking about tossing in the towel on France and heading west to Branson.  There she can once again be the daring fresh-faced ingénue; maybe she can even hang out with Yakov Smirnoff and start working up a Russian accent for her next re-invention.  

SMH.com

A CNN source says Ryan Seacrest, who has filled in for Larry King in the past, is involved in “serious negotiations” to take over “Larry King Live” around year’s end.  King told New York Times in April 2007 that Seacrest would be his first choice.  

With Seacrest on course to cover 40% of the nation’s airwaves by the time TV goes digital in ‘09, a source close to the entertainer says it’s only a matter of time until Seacrest’s house is turned into a TV studio and his waking hours are broken into compartmentalized pods which are divvied up to the various networks.  According to the source, “Breakfast With Seacrest will be on Food Network.  His workout will be Running With Ryan on ESPN.   Social engagements will be used as segments in the Larry King Show.  Afternoons will be devoted to PBS’ Rascally’ Ryan and the Loopy Lion.  You’ll know he needs a vacation when the Travel Channel announces Two If By Seacrest.  Bringing it full circle will be Cinemax’s Sleeping With Seacrest.”   Seacrest was unavailable for comment because he was auditioning to replace Vince Scully as the voice of the LA Dodgers yesterday afternoon.       

msnbc

Oxygen’s Talk Sex show with colorful septugenarian Sue Johanson is ending its run after six seasons, the network announced Tuesday.   A course close to the 77 year old entertainer said that after 32 years on the air, Johanson was leaving to spend more time with her dildoes family.   Let’s all join hands and pray that she too isn’t replaced by Ryan Seacrest – when she’d stand and wag a sex toy at you like a witch waves her crooked finger it was bad enough, but to see Ryan do it would be downright horrifying. 

Associated Press 

A Columbia co-ed whose $11,000 blond mink coat disappeared while she was at a party has found it – when she was flipping through OK! Magazine, she saw a photo of Lindsay Lohan wearing it!   Realizing Lindsay had been at the same party, the co-ed had her attorney contact Lohan’s lawyer, and the coat was returned the next day.  

Surprisingly, sources close to the actress seemed pleased with the story.  “It’s just good to see Lindsay taking actions toward putting clothes on for a change,” said the source.  “Usually when Lindsay rips off clothes, it’s for a photographer or a guy named Fulvio or Luigi or Roberto or someone with that irresistible combination of a cell phone camera and a penis.”

E! On-line

Clad in underwear                                                                             

Bald, drunk, staggers in the yard    

Just like my grandpa.

Jamie Lynn Spears had her baby shower at the family homestead in Louisiana over the weekend; according to People Magazine, it was a small gathering, with 30 guests including her big sister Britney.  The party, held at the family homestead, was a ladies-only catered celebration for the Zoey 101 star, who just turned 17 last month.   “Jamie Lynn opened every gift,” says a source. “We all sat in a circle and she opened gifts and thanked every person. It was just a good old-fashioned baby shower.”   According to sources, gifts included a school lunchbox with illustrations of Lamaze exercises, an EZ bake oven configured to boil baby formula, and a subscription to Weekly Breeder Magazine. 

Fox

McBomby 

Muscha Barton

15 will get you 20

Lindsay Lohan is back in the papers — a mugshot of the 21-year-old actress, who’s been in and out of rehab after two DUI’s last year, has been used in an ad about devices that measure a driver’s blood alcohol level before their vehicle can start.   A spokesman for the American Beverage Institute said Lohan was chosen because of her high profile DUI’s – definitely a gig she didn’t campaign for.  LiLo was upset, but according to industry insiders, it was actor Haley Joel Osment who was really furious.  According to sources close to Osment, the actor ranted “How can they just take that image of her and put it in that ad?  Like my mug shot was chopped liver?  I get Oscar nominations and she gets Razzies, and I bet they didn’t even consider me.  Who the hell is her publicist?   Who do I have to sleep with to get some f***ing face time in this town?   I need a new manager.”

reuters

Perry Moore is the author of the new young adult novel Hero, whose protagonist Thom Creed is a young man with superpowers who’s struggling with revealing his cosmic gifts and his homosexuality.  A gay superhero?  There already is one of those – the guy who created Sex and the City.

NY Times

Gary Coleman and his new bride are having problems, so they worked it out the sensible way —in front of a TV audience on “Divorce Court.”  According to Coleman’s wife Shannon Price, who married him in August, she’s had enough of his tantrums.  “If he doesn’t get his way, he throws a temper tantrum like a 5 year old does,” she says.   

It’s odd, but… isn’t it actually kind of refreshing to hear a story about a former child star having tantrums instead of a sex tape?   Isn’t it kind of nice that he’s just a spoiled brat and he isn’t onstage waving around his Gummy Worm like Harry Potter or taking “art shots” with the Disney stars?    Even uncontrollable rages, anti-social behavior, public rabies is okay – it’s just good to see a guy with his junk covered.           

Chicago Tribune

Deborah Jean Palfrey, the woman recently convicted for her role as the head of a Washington DC escort agency, has committed suicide, police say.  Ms Palfrey, often referred to as “the DC Madam”, was found guilty of several charges last month and was in Florida awaiting sentencing.   To honor her memory in the nation’s capitol, all members of Congress were ordered to fly their penises at half-mast. 

BBC

The new issue of Star reports that Katie Holmes was recently secluded for three days at Gold Base, the supersecret Scientology compound, where she was put through a grueling schedule that included confession sessions and physically challenging purification processes.  According to a Scientology insider, the routine includes intensive auditing sessions some which have lasted for 36 hours straight in which members are hooked up to a lie-detector-like device called an E-meter.  During the process, the person undergoing the treatment is allowed very little sleep or food.  Tom Cruise believes these exercises will be beneficial to Katie and insists that she do them.    

You know, my wife spent half the year whining about it when I made her go on a 3-day family reunion in a cabin in the Adirondacks – and we had tons of beer and nobody asked a single question.   Honey, you see that?   Maybe you don’t have it so bad after all.   

Celebitchy

In a new article in the latest Rolling Stone, a woman known as “The Sex Queen of LA” who ran a high-priced escort service reveals she had Charlie Sheen as a client.  She reportedly dropped four girls off at Sheen’s penthouse, where he gave her a $20,000 check; the Sex Queen booked girls for Sheen on a regular basis and considered him a valued client.  How much money did he spend all told?  According to a source close to Charlie, “the words ‘economic stimulus package’ were meant to describe Charlie’s.” 

NY Post

Amy Winehouse visited her husband Blake Fielder-Civil in prison yesterday, and to prove to the press that the passion is still very much alive, the songbird proudly showed the media the love bite that he put on her neck.   For those concerned with the health consequences of the hickey – according to a source close to Winehouse’s insurance agent, Amy is one of the few people in the world whose life expectancy was unaffected by a bite from a guy who takes heroin in prison. 

Thisislondon

Brangelina and the kids are holed up in Microsoft cofounder Paul Allen’s villa on the French Riviera while Brad hunts for a permanent home and Angelina prepares to give birth during the summer.   The couple loves France; according to a source close to the couple, “they’re eager to really live there full time – they love the language, the food, everything.   They’re also anxious to switch over to the French economy because it’s tougher and tougher to buy orphans in bulk with the weak U.S. dollar.”

 New Zealand Herald

Cher has spoken frankly about how she was once “crazy” for Tom Cruise and had a brief relationship with the actor, 16 years her junior, at the start of his career.  Reflecting on their affair, she said it could have been a “great big romance” if things had been different.  In fact, according to a source close to Cher, “She was nuts over Tom.  In fact she wrote the song ‘Half-Beard’ about him.” 

Associated Press

Some of the highlights:  on a trip to London, arriving at 2am, Mariah refused to check in to her hotel until a red carpet and scented candles lined the entrance.  

And then, in her own words, her sleeping arrangements: “I’ll have 20 humidifiers around the bed,” she revealed. “Basically, it’s like sleeping in a steam room. The bed is all toweling cloth, the ceiling is sloped so the water can’t fall on my head. My TV is behind glass.”  

Only one question remains: how long until she buys a monkey? 

ninemsn

Speaking from her Nashville home Monday, country singer Mindy McReady confirmed that she had a long term affair with pitcher Roger Clemens, who’s already under fire for alleged steroid use.  A Daily News story reported that the two met in a karaoke bar when McCready was a 15-year-old aspiring singer and Clemens was a 28-year-old ace for the Red Sox and a married father of two.  Sources close to Clemens, however, deny the affair, saying, “He categorically denies the charges.  Those weren’t hot beef injections he gave her, they were B-12 injections.”  

Daily News 

Ashley Alexandra Dupre has announced that she’s suing Girls Gone Wild for at least $10 million.   Dupre, who made a name for herself as Eliot Spitzer’s alleged penile spittoon, is upset that Girls Gone Wild honcho Joe Francis pulled out old footage of her from Girls Gone Wild’s archive after she was implicated in the scandal that culminated in Spitzer’s resignation as governor of New York. 

Francis was furious at the lawsuit; according to sources close to the entrepreneur, “Joe thinks this is repugnant.  He finds it extremely offensive that someone wants to take something meant to be fun — the innocent beauty of spring break — and put a price tag on it.” 

E! Online

Larry King has renewed his contract with CNN through the year 2011.   His talk show, always among the network’s highest rated, has been on since 1985.   According to a source close to the network, executives are fond of King because “we didn’t have to write a Senility Clause in Larry’s contract because ‘been there done that.’”  The source added that the only “out clause” is fine print that he can be released from his contract if the mummification process accelerates and makes it impossible for him to communicate.

Reuters

Okay, I’ll admit it – my first instinct was to do a “Baby Got Barack” joke.  But I wondered if maybe that was too obvious, if I’d been beaten to the punch.   So I Googled “baby got Barack” – 1670 pages.   I guess I’ll  just forget the joke and let you just enjoy the picture if you like that kind of thing, or be horrified, and let you go to youtube and enjoy someone’s version of Baby Got Barack, which actually doesn’t have anything to do with Kim Kardashian but which you might enjoy anyway. 

Hollywood.com

As per Gwyneth Paltrow’s request, Paramount Studios lavished $120,000 on a private celebration at an exclusive London restaurant over the weekend, inviting 30 of the actress’s closest friends and family and providing the finest champagne and cocktails.  But at the last minute, Gwyneth decided she wanted to go for dinner elsewhere and didn’t show up, leaving a mix of in-laws and publicists to chat awkwardly over the extravagantly wasted effort.  According to sources with ties to the Paramount organization, the word “diva” is an extremely polite euphemism for what executives are now calling her.

Daily Mail

Madonna was so impressed by the work her gardener Nathan Rissman did around the house that she hired him to direct her latest movie.   “[He] basically did everything for me,” said Madonna who produced and narrated the film, I Am Because We Are. “He was my gardener. He was my carpenter. He rerouted the electricity in my house. He looked after the children. He started making home movies of my children and they were amazing.”   Madonna hired him to make the documentary about African orphans and is thrilled with the job he did.  One embarrassing moment – after the premiere, Madonna took Rissman aside and told him she was docking him because her daffodils died while he was in post-production.  

All Headline News

Remember last week O.J. Simpson told Donald Trump he wanted to be on the next season of Donald Trump’s “Celebrity Apprentice”?   Sad to say, NBC has flatly denied O.J.’s request.   This was a blow for O.J., but his heartbreak was tempered by a bit of good news – pending the outcome of his September trial for robbery and kidnapping, Fox has offered him a role on the show Prison Break.  

Reuters

Magician David Blaine plans to beat the current world record by holding his breath for 16 minutes – and he’s going to do it live on “Oprah.”  Sources close to Blaine said he originally had wanted to do it on Ellen DeGeneres’s show, but according to sources close to the comedienne, “Ellen wasn’t impressed by someone holding their breath for 16 minutes, since she once held hers for 20 minutes while servicing Anne Heche.”

E! On-Line

Christina Ricci is used to filming scenes with close physical contact, but nothing could prepare the actress for being groped by a chimpanzee on the set of her latest film Speed Racer.   “The chimp jumped over and grabbed my left breast and hung off me,” Ricci said.  According to a highly regarded animal psychologist who spoke on the condition of anonymity, chimpanzees have a well known affinity for human swimsuit parts; in fact Michael Jackson’s chimp Bubbles was trained to play “Rifle The Fruit Basket.” 

One India

It’s official:  despite being unproven in the arenas of improvisation or interviewing,   Jimmy Fallon is taking over “Late Night” when Conan O’Brien moves to the Tonight Show next year.  According to sources close to the entertainer, Fallon plans to celebrate his entry into the late night club by making a music video; sometime next month fans will be able to go on youtube and check out Fallon singing “I’m B***ing Jeff Zucker.” 

Hollywood Reporter

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes reportedly splurged $100,000 on daughter Suri’s second birthday party last week. The superstar couple invited close friends and family to an afternoon bash at their Hollywood Hills home, which had been filled with over $17,000 worth of flowers. 

Whew!  It’s so good to see that this whole recession thing is a bunch of hogwash drummed up by the alarmist media.  Once you see a completely average normal American family going about their business as they always have, you realize that life is going on same as ever and there’s no cause for alarm.   

 One India

Star Jones has filed for divorce from her husband of three years, Al Reynolds.   Jones is asking for the media to respect her privacy as she seeks to end her marriage. That’s the same marriage that three years ago she forced down the gullet of every human being in America who watched TV, used the internet, or read newspapers, making them watch her dress fittings, her cake tasting, her borrowed jewels, her salad dressing tasting, her conversations with florists, her 5 hour hair and makeup sessions, her meetings with photographers and corporate sponsors and engravers, her dress refittings after she put on 12 pounds from eating so many samples of cake and salad dressing, etc etc etc.   According to a source close to the courthouse handling the divorce, the case was marked “uncontested matrimonial”; sources also commented that they expected Jones’ husband to plead no homo contendre. 

Reuters

Marlee Matlin has been voted off “Dancing With The Stars.”  Although she is hearing impaired, Marlee didn’t let her disability stop her and she managed to last several weeks.   A source close to the show revealed that producers were disappointed in her performance.  “You put a deaf chick on a dancing show, you’re looking for youtube moments galore,” revealed the source.  “You’re hoping for the kind of promo moments you’d get with Stevie Wonder on American Chopper or Iron Chef, or Keanu Reeves on Jeopardy.   Sad to say, she was pretty good – maybe next time they’ll put her on a karaoke show.”  

Associated Press

                          Music impresario Russell Simmons told the New York Post in a recent interview, “If I know 15 billionaires, then I know 13 unhappy people. These people’s lives might be filled with mansions and yachts and private jets, but their medicine cabinets are also filled with anti depressants.”    According to an anonymous psychologist who has many wealthy clients in New York, Simmons’ statement is misleading.  “First of all, Russell won’t know 15 billionaires by the time that interview comes out, because now that they know he’s been rifling through their medicine cabinets, the friendships are over.  Second, if I know 15 poor people, then I know 13 unhappy people, and all they have in their cabinets is Schlitz — at least Prozac doesn’t make you fat and clumsy.”

NY Post

Heather Mills gave Paul McCartney an ultimatum to marry her or she would leave him, according to a friend who allegedly spent several months working alongside Heather as a £10,000-a-night prostitute.  Denise Hewitt, who revealed Heather’s determination to marry the former Beatle, additionally claims that Heather had made disparaging remarks about her future husband’s age, saying: “Well look at me, I’m marrying an old man with bigger t*ts than me.”  

According to sources close to the former Beatle, Mills’ words bear an eerie similarity to the words McCartney spoke to the judge in their divorce case: “Well look at me, I married a young girl with a bigger d*** than me.”    

Daily Mail 

Yesterday, the internet was buzzing over pictures of a bra-clad Miley Cyrus.   A few months ago Vanessa Hutchens from High School Musical was topless.  Daniel Radcliffe’s penis is headed to Broadway, and Emma Watson is flashing her barely-legal babymaker getting out of limos.  

Maybe this is something that should be considered when planning the curriculum for home-schooled child actors – possibly teach them a little more Math and English instead of putting so much emphasis on Show & Tell.   Just a suggestion.   

Huffington Post

In an unusual move for a standing president, George W. Bush appeared on the Monday episode of NBC’s Deal or No Deal on Monday.  “I’m thrilled to be on ‘Deal or No Deal’ with you tonight,” Mr. Bush said from a giant screen in a cameo taped for the Monday episode of one of NBC’s most popular prime-time shows. The president paused a beat. “Come to think of it, I’m thrilled to be anywhere with high ratings these days.”  According to a source close to the show, the president got good laughs but there was one embarrassing moment when Bush decided that the raven-haired model’s suitcase contained a bomb and he banished her to Guantanamo Bay to be water-boarded. 

rightcelebrity

 When Martin Hyde heard his restaurant was to going to be on Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares USA, he knew he was in for a grilling – but according to Hyde, the constructive criticism he hoped for soon turned to ridicule.   Hyde  claims his reputation is in tatters after millions of viewers saw the celebrity chef label him a “lazy t*****” on national TV. 

First order of business:  could anyone tell me what a T***** is?   I’m going to need to fill in 23 Down if I want to have a chance.

 Second, if everyone who’d been on a reality show sued because their reputation had been damaged, every courthouse in LA would have a queue outside it as long as the line outside a Shell station selling premium for $1.70 a gallon. 

Daily Mail

Emma Watson, known to millions as Harry Potter’s pal, has signed on to star in “Napoleon and Betsy” after producers decided that Scarlett Johansson was too old to play the part.   You hear that Scarlett?  Hollywood has spoken.   23 is just too old to get the job done in this town…. 

… look in the mirror — you’re a withered hag ready for the pasture, a doddering , wretched old battle-axe.  Maybe you can get a job at the car show petting the hoods of the electric mobility scooters — other than that, it’s time to hang up your dentures and forget about showbiz.

Telegraph 

As part of her traditional process of sharing way too much personal information in order to promote her new CD, Madonna admitted last week that her husband Guy Ritchie temporarily lost his libido while he was on a new weight loss plan called The Cookie Diet.  

Just a thought – what if his loss of libido had nothing to do with cookies – what if it’s because when the press tries to interview him she interrupts and answers the questions (in an English accent, no less!) and turns the attention on herself while he cringes?  Or that before he met her he directed Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch  (each with a rating of 8.1 on imdb) and since he met her he directed Swept Away (3.6 on imdb).   How about that she’s a combination of venal and venereal that Levitra Extra-Strength couldn’t dent?   If he hadn’t lost his libido already, it’s hard to imagine what, short of arsenic and saltpeter, might have been in those cookies. 

Daily Mail 

Fans of Daniel Radcliffe hoping to sneak cellphone snaps of the Harry Potter star fully naked in Equus on Broadway this fall are out of luck. Sources say extraordinary security measures will be in place at the Broadhurst Theater to prevent any photos from being snapped.   You know what?  That’s okay.   When I use my cell to make a call, I won’t want to press that phone against my ear if know Harry Potter’s penis in there.    Nothing against his thespian skills, but having Harry’s hogwarts pressed against the side of my face is just a little too intimate. 

NY Post

A little bit of tipsy vagina-flashing seems like innocent fun but sometimes, it has a tragic side:  after the carnies who own this merry-go-round reported that the varnish on the unicorn’s back had blistered, the center for infectious diseases ordered that the creature be quarantined, and if it didn’t respond to a refinishing that it would have to put down.

Daily Mail

Amy Winehouse’s record label is telling her she better clean up her act, or they’re going to drop her.   To bloggers, this is an ice pick to the heart.  Britney Spears cleaned up and she went from delivering 12-15 stories a month to one.   Only by the sheer generosity of Amy’s hijinks have we been able to fill the gaping abyss left by the former Mouseketeer.  Amy, of course we want you do well and be healthy, but please don’t become a water-drinking poofter just yet.   Don’t leave us in the lurch like Britney did.  Let us put it in a way you’ll understand – Amy, you’re our stash, and we don’t want to go to rehab either.

nzherald

Joe Simpson, who’s the manager for his daughters Ashlee and Jessica, is working hard to cash in on Ashlee’s upcoming wedding and pregnancy.  A source said “Joe is contacting all the weeklies and asking them to pony up $1 million to put Ashlee on the cover. The deal would include photos of Ashlee, taken by Joe so he can make more money, an interview and photos of the baby when she has it.”  According to a separate source close to Joe Simpson, for $1.5 million he’s also offering a black & white film of his daughter giving a guy oral favors, but the buyer has to be a “discreet collector.”    

NY Post

Keith Richards says that doctors want his body when he dies so they can study it.  With his amazing durability – the abuse he’s put himself through and survived – he believes if they can figure out what’s in his immune system, it could help everyone live longer.   According to a source close to Richards, the musician is considering the offer, although his corpse is also being wooed by the curator of that “Amazing Human Body” show because “the prep work to put him in the show would be so minimal.”    

Gigwise

Actress Michelle Rodriguez refuses to address constant rumors about her sexuality, because whether or not she is gay is “nobody’s business.”  The former “Lost” star has long been dogged by reports she is a ‘closet’ lesbian, but she insists she will never tell all about her private life. She tells Latina magazine, “It’s nobody’s business. If I wanna f**k a girl, a boy, a dog — that’s my business.”   No problem here, though that does sound eerily similar to what Whitney Houston said about her sexuality several years ago – and by the way, if you Google “Whitney Houston lesbian” you’ll now get 156,000 hits.

Latina

Mariah Carey is proud of her new single “Touch My Body” and at 38 years old she’s even prouder of her physique, saying she has “the body of a 12 year old.”  Is that really something you want to say about yourself???  Happily for their parents, most 12 year olds don’t show off those bodies in snakeskin sports bras, 6 inch stiletto heels, leopard thongs, plunging necklines, and pants so tight they make your rectum fall asleep.  Just a thought: whenever a celebrity makes a bizarre statement like saying they have the body of a 12 year old, it’s fishy – like perhaps the CD is so bad that she needs to promote it by playing the bait in a celebrity version of “To Catch A Predator”…?  

thebosh   

Paris Hilton has dissed her celubutard sisters, and the fur is flying!   When two Las Vegas drive-time DJ’s asked Paris about Kim Kardashian’s rump, Paris said “It reminds me of cottage cheese inside a big trash bag.” Hilton also badmouthed Jessica Simpson’s double D breasts, saying, “I like how mine is [sic], I don’t like big boobs. I think they’re too … big.”  A spokesman for Kardashian said Kim didn’t want to get in a game of playground name-calling.  The spokesperson went on to say, however, “we should note that Paris’s vagina could be used as a boat slip.   It’s appropriate she’s named Paris because she bakes baguettes in that thing, five at a time.  She hires out her cameltoe at Sturgis as a motorcycle stand.”  The spokesperson want on to wish Paris the best because, “I heard she checked into Cedars yesterday to have some stalagmites removed.” 

NDTV

Rob Lowe’s nanny has filed a sexual-harassment lawsuit against Lowe and his wife, a week after the actor filed a preemptive civil action against the employee, citing breach of confidentiality.  In her suit, 24-year-old Jessica Gibson claims Lowe not only groped her, he repeatedly exposed his penis to her in both flaccid and erect states, repeatedly asked her “to touch his penis,” repeatedly masturbated in front of her, showed her pornographic images on his computer, and asked her to give him a massage and tell him dirty stories.   While the Hollywood community has expressed shock at the allegations, some members of the acting community have had surprising reactions.  According to a source close to Rob Lowe, “Jude Law called yesterday from London and he was indignant with Rob.  As Jude said “That’s not how you nail a nanny, schmuck — you don’t just wave your junk at her, you have to woo her.  When the kids get candy, save a piece for her.  Make up the kids’ bottles, and fill one for her with a lovely pinot noir.  Tell her she’d be a great mother.  Then, send your wife away on a spa vacation and bang the crap out of her.   But standing there wagging your lobster?  Not a nanny in Hollywood’s gonna fall for that.”     

Associated Press

Sylvester Stallone caused a ruckus at a Los Angeles courthouse Monday, losing his temper and swearing at a vending machine after it gave him Skittles instead of the M&M’s he craved.   Stallone, who was there to serve jury duty, exclaimed “Oh s–t” when he didn’t get the treat he wanted; according to witnesses, he “immediately got pissed off” at the candy machine.   As another bystander said with a shudder, “Wow – if he gets that mad about Skittles, imagine what happens when he tries to get anabolic steroids but gets Human Growth Hormone instead!   Look out… ”

Daily News

The New York Post Page Six ran a big piece with lots of juicy details about the upcoming Sex And The City movie, with a huge “spoiler alert” warning.   Even so, the Post was a little sparing in their spoilers – they only kind of teased the spoilers.   If you want the movie really spoiled, keep reading. 

THE POST’S SPOILER:  There’s a moment in the movie when Carrie Bradshaw is lounging in a cliff-top Mexican villa, overlooking the ocean.  She checks for voicemail on her pink Swarovski-encrusted cellphone, and sees there’s a message is from Mr. Big.   Carrie throws her phone off the cliff into the ocean.  THE FULL SPOILER:  Carrie’s motivation:  after catching a donkey show in Tijuana the night before, Mr. Big didn’t seem so big any more.  Carrie rings the room service bell and has Eeyore brought to her room for another round. 

THE POST’S SPOILER:  There are fashion tie-ins with scads of glamorous sponsors including YSL, Oscar, Ferragamo, Zac, Dior, Skyy Vodka, Mercedes-Benz, and Tiffany.  THE FULL SPOILER: Product tie-ins are no surprise because after all, who knows how to whore better than a bunch of whores?   The movie works in several surprise sponsorships, however, including one for AARP’s new Valtrex For Seniors and the first-ever Depends thong, in eleven rambunctious colors. 

THE POST’S SPOILER TEASER:  At least one of the women will grapple with infidelity.  THE FULL SPOILER:  What a shocker!   There’s a skanky ho in the movie!   

NY Post

In the tradition of peddling raunchy video footage of celebrities a la Paris Hilton, a long-buried sex movie of Marilyn Monroe shot in the 1950’s has been sold to a New York businessman for $1.5 million.   A leading film antiquity expert confirmed that the woman in the film is indeed Marilyn; however, said the expert, “it’s puts a major buzzkill on a sex tape to think about the fact that she’s been worm food for 45 years.”    “Still,” said a source close to the purchaser, “$1.5 million to watch Marilyn get it on is the freaking deal of the century when you consider that Christina Aguilera was paid $4 million for a photo of her baby lying on a blanket.”  

NY Post

Britney Spears was in stop-and-go traffic on an LA highway on Saturday night when she slammed into the back of the Nissan in front of her.  Happily she was unhurt in the accident but according to sources close to the performer, she’s now such a bad insurance risk that Geico has said they’ll only carry her policy if she agrees to appear in their commercials as a tradeoff.   Normally Britney is too big a star to do commercials, but the source says she’s desperate to keep her license so you may soon be seeing the following commercial:                                                                                      ANNOUNCER:  Jane Myers is a real Geico customer, not a performer, so we hired Britney Spears to help tell her story.  JANE MYERS:  I only got my license 6 months ago.  BRITNEY SINGS:  Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman.  JANE MYERS: It was the fourth time I’d backed my car into my mom’s.  BRITNEY SINGS: Oops I did it again.    JANE MYERS: My dad was furious!  BRITNEY SINGS:  Hit Me Baby One More Time.  JANE MYERS:   I begged my Geico agent not to drop me as a client, and he said BRITNEY SINGS:  I’m A Slave 4 U.  ANNOUNCER:  Geico.  Real service, real savings.   BRITNEY SINGS: Overprotected… 

Ireland On-Line

Employees of the “Dr. Phil” TV show posted bail for a Florida teenager jailed for taking part in a videotaped beating of another teen, a spokeswoman for the show’s host confirmed Saturday.  “We have helped guests and potential guests in the past when they need financial assistance to come on the show,” the spokeswoman admitted.  “In this case, certain staff members went beyond our guidelines.”  

However, a source close to the show claims that Dr. Phil’s staff has no intentions of slowing down their desperate bid for compelling guests.  “As we speak, two Associate Producers are digging a tunnel under the wall of San Quentin in hopes of getting Scott Peterson for a fall appearance.”  The source added that Osama bin Laden is currently living in a cage in Dr. Phil’s pool cabana, being held until the May Sweeps period begins.  “If you think the CIA is going to interview bin Laden before Dr. Phil, you’re sadly mistaken.” 

Fox News

 …. Keith Richards is no slouch either.

That’s right – 49 days until the Sex and the City movie opens and we can stop hearing about who’s wearing what shoes in the movie and who’s wearing what purse to the opening and whose limo will arrive first at the premiere and for God’s sake we can stop having to think about a bunch of peri-menopausal grassbacks tittering about weiners while the scrotal-soft turkey skin dangling from their chins and arms flaps over their martinis like a “Going Out Of Business” banner.  Then, it’s just a matter of hoping the movie tanks so there isn’t a sequel where they Botox their vaginas and talk about how all the men at the assisted living center have pendulous testicles.   But we’ll have to cross that bridge when we come to it. 

Jamie Lynn Spears’ fiancé Casey Aldridge,18, allegedly pulled a gun on a photographer attempting to take a picture of the couple.  Great start for Jamie Lynn – shotgun wedding at 16, fiance with a gun charge – white trash hall of fame, here we come! 

az central 

Lindsay Lohan is going to go completely naked in a low budget movie about a nymphomaniac because she wants to be known as a “mature actress.”  Producers only wanted Lindsay to go topless during red-hot sex scenes and were stunned when she volunteered to go full frontal.  Yesterday it was announced that Daniel Radcliffe was going to be naked on Broadway — is there a special on naked child stars this week?  Harry Potter and Herbie Fully Loaded both in their birthday suits – please God don’t let this be the beginning of a trend – America really doesn’t want to see Mayim Bialik and Jonathan Lipnicki in a dinner theater production of “Hair.”  

China Daily

After petitioning for a divorce and having it granted, Sean Penn and his wife Robin Wright Penn have decided to reunite.  According to a source close to Robin Wright Penn, “she missed him.  She missed his creative spirit and his passion but it was more than that.  One night she found herself camping in the ashes of a crab shack that had burnt to the ground and she realized that most of all, she missed his breath.   Now, she’ll be back in the warm comfort of that ill wind, happy once more.” 

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