Hollywood holidays — what a special time for our celebrity friends! They could be doing any number of show biz traditions like: checking into Promises for a little help keeping their resolutions; having the assistant to the third nanny figure out how to spell the name of the newly adopted orphan in English so they can cut out letters in felt and make him a Christmas stocking; traveling home to the Midwest like regular folks even though they’ll check their iPhone 40 times during dinner to avoid their loan-craving brother-in-law; frolicking in a pile of white powder that they buy from a guy they wryly call “Frosty” during the holidays; going to Hawaii because if they under-Christmas-tip a doorman or bartender at a holiday party it’ll end up in the Enquirer; or trying to breathe life into a slumping career or poorly reviewed movie by confessing a bi-sexual dalliance because they know the gossip news-sites are desperate for stories this week so there’s a little bit of hope for some limelight. Well, sorry celebs, no limelight here — the holidays are the one time of the year this column is all about ME! ME! ME! not YOU! YOU! YOU! I’m off for a holiday dose of dermabrasion and vaginal rejuvenation and sundry other touch-ups including having my G-Spot botoxed! My New Year’s resolution is for a more sensational ‘09 (that’s what the doc promises, with increased sensation and all) and maybe I’ll even get a Glynette photo for the website if — as the doc also promises — my cleavage starts above my elbows! Have a great holiday and see you in ‘09 — which has officially been designated the Year Of The Cougar, by the by!

A story in the U.K. Independent reports that Kirk Douglas is the world’s oldest celebrity blogger – and at age 92, he has over 4,400 myspace friends. According to a source close to Douglas, the actor loves corresponding but “admits that most of the ‘friends’ are cougars who got linked to him through Willard Scott’s ‘100 years old and counting’ myspace page.” The source added that “Kirk is flattered that these women have singled him out because they’re looking to hook up with a young stud. On the other hand, he was sad to hear that a few of the more disoriented women were disappointed that it was him – they thought they were chatting with the actual Spartacus.”

The famous glove from Michael Jackson’s 1983 “Billie Jean” video is up for auction. According to a spokesman from the auctioneer, “Jackson hasn’t worn the glove in years, but it hasn’t been available until now because it was making a Stanley Cup like passaround of police evidence lockers around the world. Apparently the glove – which has been nicknamed ‘Exhibit A’ — contains DNA from enough kids to form a Montessori master-class. It’s estimated that the glove would have to sell for 30 million dollars to cover all the ‘out-of-court-settlements’ it’s been involved in.”

Tara Reid’s publicist confirmed that the actress has been admitted into rehab. This is a huge surprise to all the people who just thought she lived in a rehab and would occasionally check out for 30 days to smack around her liver and refresh her STD’s. According to sources at the Promises Clinic, when the actress entered she had a blood alcohol level of .11. “That’s pretty high,” admitted a source close to Reid’s publicist, “but not bad when you consider she had a blood botox level of .14, a blood restylane level of .18, a blood silicone level of .27, a blood crab-ointment level of .32, and a blood DNA-from-lifeguards-and-bodyguards-and-personal-trainers level of .74.”

Paul Anka’s wife has been arrested for domestic battery after she threw an ice cube at him, causing a gash in his head that required two stitches. According to sources close to the Vegas casinos where Anka frequently plays, bartenders have already created a drink in honor of the croonsmith.

Marriage On The Rocks
Take one ice queen.
Add vodka and agitate.
Dodge accusations and ice cubes as long as you can.
Bandage as necessary, and drink alone.

Have you noticed that over the years, Michael Jackson has exhibited more and more traits of a nocturnal animal? He cowers from the sun, avoids the daylight so much that he’s lost his pigment, uses his hands to burrow into small holes, and his breeding habits are a never-ending source of bewilderment. And of course when you live in the dark you get dressed in it too.

Director Roman Polanski is asking for the statutory rape charges against him to be dismissed so he can return to Hollywood. “He feels like he’s being artistically repressed,” says a source close to the director. “He doesn’t have a fair shake at pursuing his dream – directing an all-girl version of “Lord Of The Flies.”

Some sad news – American Idol star Fantasia’s $1.3 milllion house in Charlotte, NC is being foreclosed on. There’s only one conclusion you can take out of this: she obviously wasn’t getting royalties on that “Lifetime” movie about her. If she’d had a nickel for every time they showed that moronic thing (and always when I was in the mood to watch a GOOD Lifetime movie like Fatal Murder or Lethal Attraction or Love’s Poison Embrace or Deadly Attraction or Til Death Do Us Part or Ashes To Ashes) she’d have paid off that mortgage years ago. By the way, it’s a sad story but the happy news is she has another house right nearby in Charlotte.

According to the New York Post, Mariah Carey was seen coming out of an ob/gyn’s office, “clutching what looked like a sonogram and being greeted by her entourage with cheers. She was ebullient.” According to sources close to the legendary diva, the baby is already taking after its mother. “Mariah already hired the baby its own publicist,” said the source, “and she’s already regretting it. Through the publicist, the fetus issued a lengthy Wish List, demanding that Mariah switch from Evian to Fiji Water; that the womb be tattooed in pastels; that Mariah cut out all asparagus because it makes the placenta taste cloying; that Mariah eat some lard to ease the baby’s chapped lips; and if Mariah must have sex, please don’t let the guy finish because it’s gooey enough in here.”

Talking about boyfriend John Mayer, Jennifer Aniston told the Mirror, “He’s a rare one. He is extraordinary and it is wonderful to watch him… the way his brain works and the way he thinks thoughts… it’s beautiful.” This marks the unprecedented 445th consecutive day that gossip publications have quoted Jennifer Aniston on a topic that is unrelated to anything that could possibly affect our lives, a longer string of press coverage than was accorded to the legendary Iranian hostage crisis that ran from 1979-1981. According to sources close to the Guiness Book of Records, “Aniston has been quoted more in the past month alone than President Bush, the prime minister of England, and Vladimir Putin combined during their entire terms. In the world of entertainment, she’s been quoted more than Sir Laurence Olivier, Meryl Streep, Robert DeNiro, and Francis Ford Coppola.” While most of the quotes have been about ex-husband Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, the new quote marks a noteworthy turn. “This could be the beginning of a new era,” said the source. “For the next 15 days – until ‘Marley and Me’ opens on Christmas – you’ll be seeing Aniston quotes on issues other than Pitt and Jolie. She’ll open up on a variety of topics, from dogs to Owen Wilson, and about which of them was more obedient. It’s probable that at one point she’ll talk about dogs she’s had herself, and it’s definite that it’ll be accorded the respect that Al Gore gets when talking about climate change or Ben Bernanke when talking economics.”

Victoria Beckham admits she has trouble smiling but “I’ve mastered this smirk; it’s a smile that isn’t a smile,” she added. There was another interview a few months ago where she said she wasn’t frowning or pouting, it’s just the way her face falls. It sounds like you’re giving this way too much thought, Victoria, so I’m going to give you my opinion woman to woman.

There’s no question you run with a crowd that is no stranger to plastic surgery. If you haven’t had it, you will. A lot of it. (of course you have – your breasts contain more plastic than a Toys R Us). You’re a star, so it’s accepted. I say, just cop to it, and go for the gusto. Go to the guy who does the witness protection faces and get a completely new look. Get a smile. Tell him you want to look like one of those Bangkok ladyboys, or someone who turned state’s evidence. If that doesn’t work, try eating a cheeseburger. Solid food can have a great effect on your mood.

According to News Of The World, Amy Winehouse’s ex-husband Blake Fielder-Civil wants $1.4 million to NOT write a book about her. Somehow I don’t think it would take $1.4 million — I think a couple grams of heroin a day and maybe a “Simpsons” DVD would not only keep Blake from writing a book but also keep him from vacuuming, doing laundry, or remembering to eat solid food.

Britney Spears is complaining that her ex-husband K-Fed is teaching bad words to their sons. According to a source close to Federline, Kevin doesn’t believe his behavior is horrible. “It’s nothing they won’t hear in the daycare corral at the strip club,” said the source. “Or when they go into rehab in middle school, or from Kevin’s next wife who’ll be a former porn star and oral sex instructor, or when they’re in teen boot camp in 10th grade, or when they make their first sex tape in 11th grade. Britney’s gotta lighten up.”

Paris Hilton has finished her second album. Number two, eh? Somehow the expression “dropping a deuce” comes to mind.

59 year old Ivana Trump is getting a divorce from her 35 year old Italian husband. Silly Ivana! Any cougar worth her salt knows better than that. You don’t marry a toy – you play with it until you grow weary of it, then you get a new one. Here’s hoping you’ll learn from your mistake.

The Enquirer is reporting that Mary-Kate Olsen is pregnant. According to sources close to the child-star-turned-socialite, the first thing Mary-Kate asked her doctor was “I know I’m supposed to eat for two, but I really don’t like eating — how about if I eat the same amount and just purge half as much? Will that add up to the same thing?”

First Ann Coulter has her jaw wired shut, and now Rachael Ray is having vocal chord surgery. It’s a rare day that the loudmouth from the Oxy-Clean commercials makes it into a Hollywood gossip column, but the temporary silencing of those other two gives the world hope that Billy Mays’ jaw will somehow become entangled in his own beard, rendering him silent for at least long enough so our ears can stop ringing and I won’t chip my tooth lunging for the mute button again.

There were pictures all over the news of the Cruises and the Beckhams going to the circus last week. The Cruises and the Beckhams at the circus??? Isn’t that like Eli Manning and Tony Romo going to a Pop Warner football game??? What’s the point of seeing a circus when you yourself are the greatest show on earth, an amazing spectacle of oddities – Victoria Beckham wearing makeup thicker than a clown and probably an outfit to match, Tom Cruise a virtual dwarf who leaps on couches, David Beckham bending it on underwear billboards, Katie Holmes deflecting and cringing like a lion tamer. I’m sure the ringmaster had to stop the show so the clowns and elephants could gawk at the Cruise-Beckham party in wide-eyed wonder and say “now that’s a freak show…”