Hollywood holidays — what a special time for our celebrity friends! They could be doing any number of show biz traditions like: checking into Promises for a little help keeping their resolutions; having the assistant to the third nanny figure out how to spell the name of the newly adopted orphan in English so they can cut out letters in felt and make him a Christmas stocking; traveling home to the Midwest like regular folks even though they’ll check their iPhone 40 times during dinner to avoid their loan-craving brother-in-law; frolicking in a pile of white powder that they buy from a guy they wryly call “Frosty” during the holidays; going to Hawaii because if they under-Christmas-tip a doorman or bartender at a holiday party it’ll end up in the Enquirer; or trying to breathe life into a slumping career or poorly reviewed movie by confessing a bi-sexual dalliance because they know the gossip news-sites are desperate for stories this week so there’s a little bit of hope for some limelight. Well, sorry celebs, no limelight here — the holidays are the one time of the year this column is all about ME! ME! ME! not YOU! YOU! YOU! I’m off for a holiday dose of dermabrasion and vaginal rejuvenation and sundry other touch-ups including having my G-Spot botoxed! My New Year’s resolution is for a more sensational ‘09 (that’s what the doc promises, with increased sensation and all) and maybe I’ll even get a Glynette photo for the website if — as the doc also promises — my cleavage starts above my elbows! Have a great holiday and see you in ‘09 — which has officially been designated the Year Of The Cougar, by the by!

A story in the U.K. Independent reports that Kirk Douglas is the world’s oldest celebrity blogger – and at age 92, he has over 4,400 myspace friends. According to a source close to Douglas, the actor loves corresponding but “admits that most of the ‘friends’ are cougars who got linked to him through Willard Scott’s ‘100 years old and counting’ myspace page.” The source added that “Kirk is flattered that these women have singled him out because they’re looking to hook up with a young stud. On the other hand, he was sad to hear that a few of the more disoriented women were disappointed that it was him – they thought they were chatting with the actual Spartacus.”

The famous glove from Michael Jackson’s 1983 “Billie Jean” video is up for auction. According to a spokesman from the auctioneer, “Jackson hasn’t worn the glove in years, but it hasn’t been available until now because it was making a Stanley Cup like passaround of police evidence lockers around the world. Apparently the glove – which has been nicknamed ‘Exhibit A’ — contains DNA from enough kids to form a Montessori master-class. It’s estimated that the glove would have to sell for 30 million dollars to cover all the ‘out-of-court-settlements’ it’s been involved in.”

Tara Reid’s publicist confirmed that the actress has been admitted into rehab. This is a huge surprise to all the people who just thought she lived in a rehab and would occasionally check out for 30 days to smack around her liver and refresh her STD’s. According to sources at the Promises Clinic, when the actress entered she had a blood alcohol level of .11. “That’s pretty high,” admitted a source close to Reid’s publicist, “but not bad when you consider she had a blood botox level of .14, a blood restylane level of .18, a blood silicone level of .27, a blood crab-ointment level of .32, and a blood DNA-from-lifeguards-and-bodyguards-and-personal-trainers level of .74.”

Paul Anka’s wife has been arrested for domestic battery after she threw an ice cube at him, causing a gash in his head that required two stitches. According to sources close to the Vegas casinos where Anka frequently plays, bartenders have already created a drink in honor of the croonsmith.

Marriage On The Rocks
Take one ice queen.
Add vodka and agitate.
Dodge accusations and ice cubes as long as you can.
Bandage as necessary, and drink alone.

Have you noticed that over the years, Michael Jackson has exhibited more and more traits of a nocturnal animal? He cowers from the sun, avoids the daylight so much that he’s lost his pigment, uses his hands to burrow into small holes, and his breeding habits are a never-ending source of bewilderment. And of course when you live in the dark you get dressed in it too.

Director Roman Polanski is asking for the statutory rape charges against him to be dismissed so he can return to Hollywood. “He feels like he’s being artistically repressed,” says a source close to the director. “He doesn’t have a fair shake at pursuing his dream – directing an all-girl version of “Lord Of The Flies.”

Some sad news – American Idol star Fantasia’s $1.3 milllion house in Charlotte, NC is being foreclosed on. There’s only one conclusion you can take out of this: she obviously wasn’t getting royalties on that “Lifetime” movie about her. If she’d had a nickel for every time they showed that moronic thing (and always when I was in the mood to watch a GOOD Lifetime movie like Fatal Murder or Lethal Attraction or Love’s Poison Embrace or Deadly Attraction or Til Death Do Us Part or Ashes To Ashes) she’d have paid off that mortgage years ago. By the way, it’s a sad story but the happy news is she has another house right nearby in Charlotte.

According to the New York Post, Mariah Carey was seen coming out of an ob/gyn’s office, “clutching what looked like a sonogram and being greeted by her entourage with cheers. She was ebullient.” According to sources close to the legendary diva, the baby is already taking after its mother. “Mariah already hired the baby its own publicist,” said the source, “and she’s already regretting it. Through the publicist, the fetus issued a lengthy Wish List, demanding that Mariah switch from Evian to Fiji Water; that the womb be tattooed in pastels; that Mariah cut out all asparagus because it makes the placenta taste cloying; that Mariah eat some lard to ease the baby’s chapped lips; and if Mariah must have sex, please don’t let the guy finish because it’s gooey enough in here.”

Talking about boyfriend John Mayer, Jennifer Aniston told the Mirror, “He’s a rare one. He is extraordinary and it is wonderful to watch him… the way his brain works and the way he thinks thoughts… it’s beautiful.” This marks the unprecedented 445th consecutive day that gossip publications have quoted Jennifer Aniston on a topic that is unrelated to anything that could possibly affect our lives, a longer string of press coverage than was accorded to the legendary Iranian hostage crisis that ran from 1979-1981. According to sources close to the Guiness Book of Records, “Aniston has been quoted more in the past month alone than President Bush, the prime minister of England, and Vladimir Putin combined during their entire terms. In the world of entertainment, she’s been quoted more than Sir Laurence Olivier, Meryl Streep, Robert DeNiro, and Francis Ford Coppola.” While most of the quotes have been about ex-husband Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, the new quote marks a noteworthy turn. “This could be the beginning of a new era,” said the source. “For the next 15 days – until ‘Marley and Me’ opens on Christmas – you’ll be seeing Aniston quotes on issues other than Pitt and Jolie. She’ll open up on a variety of topics, from dogs to Owen Wilson, and about which of them was more obedient. It’s probable that at one point she’ll talk about dogs she’s had herself, and it’s definite that it’ll be accorded the respect that Al Gore gets when talking about climate change or Ben Bernanke when talking economics.”

Victoria Beckham admits she has trouble smiling but “I’ve mastered this smirk; it’s a smile that isn’t a smile,” she added. There was another interview a few months ago where she said she wasn’t frowning or pouting, it’s just the way her face falls. It sounds like you’re giving this way too much thought, Victoria, so I’m going to give you my opinion woman to woman.

There’s no question you run with a crowd that is no stranger to plastic surgery. If you haven’t had it, you will. A lot of it. (of course you have – your breasts contain more plastic than a Toys R Us). You’re a star, so it’s accepted. I say, just cop to it, and go for the gusto. Go to the guy who does the witness protection faces and get a completely new look. Get a smile. Tell him you want to look like one of those Bangkok ladyboys, or someone who turned state’s evidence. If that doesn’t work, try eating a cheeseburger. Solid food can have a great effect on your mood.

According to News Of The World, Amy Winehouse’s ex-husband Blake Fielder-Civil wants $1.4 million to NOT write a book about her. Somehow I don’t think it would take $1.4 million — I think a couple grams of heroin a day and maybe a “Simpsons” DVD would not only keep Blake from writing a book but also keep him from vacuuming, doing laundry, or remembering to eat solid food.

Britney Spears is complaining that her ex-husband K-Fed is teaching bad words to their sons. According to a source close to Federline, Kevin doesn’t believe his behavior is horrible. “It’s nothing they won’t hear in the daycare corral at the strip club,” said the source. “Or when they go into rehab in middle school, or from Kevin’s next wife who’ll be a former porn star and oral sex instructor, or when they’re in teen boot camp in 10th grade, or when they make their first sex tape in 11th grade. Britney’s gotta lighten up.”

Paris Hilton has finished her second album. Number two, eh? Somehow the expression “dropping a deuce” comes to mind.

59 year old Ivana Trump is getting a divorce from her 35 year old Italian husband. Silly Ivana! Any cougar worth her salt knows better than that. You don’t marry a toy – you play with it until you grow weary of it, then you get a new one. Here’s hoping you’ll learn from your mistake.

The Enquirer is reporting that Mary-Kate Olsen is pregnant. According to sources close to the child-star-turned-socialite, the first thing Mary-Kate asked her doctor was “I know I’m supposed to eat for two, but I really don’t like eating — how about if I eat the same amount and just purge half as much? Will that add up to the same thing?”

First Ann Coulter has her jaw wired shut, and now Rachael Ray is having vocal chord surgery. It’s a rare day that the loudmouth from the Oxy-Clean commercials makes it into a Hollywood gossip column, but the temporary silencing of those other two gives the world hope that Billy Mays’ jaw will somehow become entangled in his own beard, rendering him silent for at least long enough so our ears can stop ringing and I won’t chip my tooth lunging for the mute button again.

There were pictures all over the news of the Cruises and the Beckhams going to the circus last week. The Cruises and the Beckhams at the circus??? Isn’t that like Eli Manning and Tony Romo going to a Pop Warner football game??? What’s the point of seeing a circus when you yourself are the greatest show on earth, an amazing spectacle of oddities – Victoria Beckham wearing makeup thicker than a clown and probably an outfit to match, Tom Cruise a virtual dwarf who leaps on couches, David Beckham bending it on underwear billboards, Katie Holmes deflecting and cringing like a lion tamer. I’m sure the ringmaster had to stop the show so the clowns and elephants could gawk at the Cruise-Beckham party in wide-eyed wonder and say “now that’s a freak show…”

Sarah Jessica Parker has said the Sex and the City sequel is in the works, but despite a lot of speculation, her character Carrie Bradshaw will not become a Mom. “It doesn’t seem as if that’s going to be a choice she’ll make,” the actress told MTV.com. According to sources close to the producers, there were health risks concerned with having a baby. “If it saw any more action,” said the source, “her vagina would have to be treated for exhaustion.”

The Madonna / A-Rod romance seems to be hot and heavy. There were even rumors about them having Thanksgiving together. It’s kind of hard to figure the link between a baseball player and a pop star — let’s examine their tendencies and see if we can find any common ground at all.
A baseball player hits baseballs; a pop star sings.
A baseball player catches baseballs, a pop star dances.
A baseball player unabashedly touches, scratches, and digs around in his groin in front of huge audiences… hmmm, I guess they DO have something in common. This is going to be one itchy, touchy, scratchy Thanksgiving.

According to E! Online, Suri Cruise only wears dresses because she’s, “a girlie girl who won’t wear pants.” Or maybe it’s because in the children’s books Tom reads her, Xemu forbids little girls from wearing pants because evil thetans will get trapped in the cuffs when you’re traveling through the Galactic Confederacy.

E! On-line has voted Karolina Kurkova the sexiest woman in the world. Oh sure, for guys who value aquiline features and pillowy lips and a lithe, curvy body. But they’re overlooking the single thing that makes a woman sexiest to a man – accessibility. Would you rather have a photo of a woman who wouldn’t make eye contact with you even if you managed to work your way through her security entourage, or a 98.6+ degree living breathing heavy-breathing heaving woman who is not only present but will buy you some drinks if your age is under 34 and your waistline is too? Come on fellas, wise up – stop thinking about that bouncing Czech and turn your lovelight on a real woman. Forget 34C, think 3D. I’ll be at the Holiday Inn lounge, the usual stool… and if you’re thinking about Karolina when we dance, do me a favor and keep it to yourself.

This is the first paragraph of a story in The Sun:
HEATHER MILLS is at the centre of a breast riddle – after claims that she’s had a THIRD boob job surfaced today.
Just seems kind of odd – did she have a job on her third boob, or was it the third job on her boobs? Either way three boob jobs seems kind of excessive for someone who only needs half a pedicure.

She and Benji Madden had a heartbreaking split last week, but judging by the dress she wore Saturday, Paris is already burning for some action. And so the call goes out: Hey all you high-society dirtbags who’ve been undersexed since LiLo announced that her vagina would be untrammeled by penii – time to get back in the game! Polish up that titanium coke spoon, take your Maserati to the carwash, and hit the gym — because it’s only a matter of time until you’re serving up private-school-groin to Paris and a right cross to a paparazzi.

A heartbroken Amy Winehouse says she and her husband Blake Fielder-Civil have broken up because they were “just together for sex.” Amy, it’s time for a little girl-talk — you are better off without that pale ugly man in your life. Since my most recent rejuvenation, my vagina has been a busy girl, and I’m a sucker for a man with an accent, but that’s one Sussex sausage-source that Glynette would allow to gather dust. Anyway, the point is: if Fielder was the one who’d had a platinum record, he’d be dating a Victoria’s Secret model or an Olympic volleyball player or Natalie Portman. It’s your obligation as a female rock star to do better than a skel with no income and lice from a prison mattress. There are plenty of other John Dory in the sea – go get yourself one that doesn’t look like a shrink-wrapped bottom-feeder.

A bizarre but true story from the world of entertainment – Universal Pictures has hired legendary director Ridley Scott to helm a movie based on the board game Monopoly.   According to Scott, who directed Blade Runner, the movie will have a “futuristic sheen.”   Do people really want to go to a movie for their escapism and think about Monopoly with the economy like it is?   If Scott wants to make it accurate, 40% of the properties will be in foreclosure and another 40% will be overburdened with debt.   The only properties paid for are by seniors with fixed incomes who real estate tax hikes are driving out.    Sean Connery will play Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, who’ll bail out the person losing.  10% of the players will have 95% of everything.   Railroads will require federal bailouts even when the economy is good.  Alan Greenspan will play himself as the rickety old Community Chest guy.  And somehow, Scooter Libby will be holding the “Get Out Of Jail Free” card.   And that $200 won’t be for passing go, you’ll have to pay it per week for your “pre-paid bargain insurance heating oil.” 

Angelina Jolie told the BBC in a recent interview that she won’t keep acting very long.  “I’m ready to do a few (movies) now,” she said, “then get ready to be a grandma.”  A grandma???  Hold on just a minute — her oldest kid is only like 7, that can mean just one thing – she’s going to start adopting grandchildren!!!!  Is this like a loophole because she’s reached the international limit on adopting children?   Is she this consumed in her bid to become the Womb to the World?   I think it’s time to stop bogarting all the orphans, Angie, and leave some for other people. 

In the story I read, the caption said Lindsay Lohan was flour bombed by fur protesters.  However, I mean it is LILO – it seems more likely she was caught sneezing after coming out of the ladies room at a club.

Anne Hathaway’s ex Raffaello Follieri, who was jailed for some kind of scam that involved pretending he was buying real estate for the Vatican, apparently doesn’t like prison. He says that he can’t eat because the food appears to be spoiled and that the toilet and shower facilities are unspeakably unsanitary. There is excrement in the shower and rats are roaming freely in the area. He says the stench is intolerable.
You hear that, kiddies? You see an actress on screen and you say, “If I only had money I could date her.” Well guess what? Apparently when you steal from the Vatican, you don’t have to wait for St. Peter to mete out the justice. If you’d just married that nice girl from your hometown you would have saved everyone some trouble… except your cellmate Otis, he thinks your accent is adorable and he loves that you’ve learned how to make candles out of your earwax so you can bake a lasagna in the metal prison toilet…

It turns out the nude photos of Adrienne Bailon of Disney’s “Cheetah Girls” that were allegedly stolen and put on the internet have turned out to be a PR hoax – at least that’s what the newly retained PR department is telling us. Either way, Disney must be completely fatigued by this kind of thing after all the faldoral about Vanessa Hudgens and Miley Cyrus. In retrospect, it’s not that hard to understand why Walt Disney built his studio based on animated characters: no nude pictures, no rehabs, no teen pregnancies, no DUI’s, no annoying parents, no contract holdouts, no Herpes on tape days – I think maybe it’s time to give Daffy and Donald another try.

Good news for KISS fans — Gene Simmons impressed viewers with his knowledge and won half a million for charity on the quiz show Are You Smarter Than A Ten 5th Grader? According to a source close to the show, Simmons demonstrated his ability in math by answering the following: if a man with a tongue that’s 6”x2” can clean a 12”x18” bakepan in 8 licks, and a man with an 4”X2” tongue can clean a pie pan in 12 licks, how many licks would it take a man with a tongue that’s 3” x 2-1/2” to clean a bathtub?

Mariah Carey reinforced her legend as a diva at this weekend’s World Music Awards by demanding a £100,000 private jet to the ceremony in Monte Carlo and two nights at a £10,000-a-night suite at the Hotel de Paris. That adds up to $179,000 for a plane ride and two nights in a hotel! Me? Dearhearts, Glynette knows how to squeeze a buck. For $179,000 I’d fly economy to Miami Beach and get a face lift, hip tuck, thigh suck, tricep tuck, chin suck, eyebrow pluck, bosom degravitation and anal rejuvenation. Then I’d spend eleven months in the Motel 6 being nursed back to health by a bunch of muscular day-laborers who I’d pay $2 an hour more than their standard wage.

Yes, that’s Daniel Craig and his girlfriend – and 007 is hogging the umbrella. Apparently James Bond’s age of chivalry and courtliness is over, and if the Queen should happen to see that photo, so are Daniel’s chances at knighthood.

Kanye West was honored at the MTV Europe Music Awards over the weekend, but according to numerous sources he didn’t like the dressing room so he peed on the carpet instead of going to the restroom. Amazing, but it’s all over the news. You know, if the beagle who won the Westminster dog show did that, he’d be stripped of his title and if he wasn’t outright euthanized he’d certainly have a tie-wrap yanked tightly around his wee-wee to ensure this kind of thing didn’t happen at subsequent events. According to Kanye’s spokesman, “Kanye didn’t want to behave badly. But there was a wireless fence preventing him from using the men’s room.” It was announced today that Kanye has been nominated for a People’s Choice Award for his song “The Good Life;” according to sources close to the show, producers have retained the services of Cesar Millan to keep the singer in line. If that doesn’t work, People’s Choice host Queen Latifah won’t hesitate to smack him on the nose with a newspaper — wrapped around a softball bat.

Yikes! Apparently Guy isn’t just taking the money, he’s taking all the pie and peanut butter too.

Angelina Jolie told Access Hollywood “We’re definitely having more kids.” According to sources close to the star, “There’s no telling where she’ll stop. On her last movie, instead of being paid in American dollars, she demanded to be paid in Nepalese orphans. And she was overheard saying to a girlfriend, ‘As God is my witness, I won’t stop having babies until Brad can park his SmartCar in my uterus without shearing off the side view mirrors.’”

Kim Cattrall confirmed in an interview with a British TV station that there will definitely be a Sex And The City sequel. Hurray! That is such great news. I didn’t see the original, but I LOVED it. Why would I give 4 stars to something I didn’t see? Because when it came out, every woman in New York was in a theater, and the singles bars were like a U-Pick-Em Sausage Farm! From what I understand the sequel is going to lean on Greek mythology for its storyline. Apparently Sarah Jessica Parker will play a mythical creature, a cougar with the face of a horse – kinda like my labradoodle except SJP is an aggressive and scary man-eater. I’m counting the days until it hits the big screen!

After breaking up with his girlfriend of six years, Simon Cowell gave her $5 million cash and another $4.6 to buy a Beverly Hills home. According to a source close to the couple, “As you can imagine, it’s not easy to be Simon’s girlfriend. He critiqued her for having ‘ear lobes like a peasant’… admonished her because her eye-color was ‘cheesy’… castigated her for having ‘common’ ankles… in fact when you hear that he ripped her a new a-hole, it was actually true – he did it because he didn’t like where the original was positioned.”

The last week the internet has been abuzz with the story about Courtenay Semel, the heiress who screamed at a bouncer “Don’t you even know who I am??? Google me you dumb f***!!!” According to Hollywood sources though, there is ONE group of people who didn’t enjoy that story. “Apparently,” says our source, “Execs from other search engines were so chagrined at Google getting even more free publicity that they approached Heidi Montag and offered her 500K if she’d scream ‘look me up on dogpile, you retard!’ at any paparazzi or bouncer.

Quote of the day: After being released from prison after a year, Amy Winehouse’s husband Blake Fielder-Civil said “I’m gonna see my wife and take her knickers down.” Is that a string of drool hanging from her face? Just asking.

Todd Shemarya, a Hollywood talent agent — whose roster includes Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jennifer Aniston, and Matthew McConaughey — is accused in a lawsuit of insulting his clients, stealing gifts sent to them, and discussing their private parts. We find the defendant guilty – of being a HUMAN BEING! Hello! Who wouldn’t do those things if they had the chance? And by the way, if anyone has his email, Mr. Shemarya sounds like he’d be a delectable dinner guest.

In an interview with the British tabloid News Of The World, Paris Hilton expressed dismay and anger that a lot of guys just dated her for sex or money or fame. That’s kind of like a Ring Ding being disappointed to find that someone bought it for the whipped cream filling, the devil’s food cake, and the chocolate icing, and NOT to put in the Smithsonian.
Editor’s note: if Paris comes out with a line of sneakers, “Heir Whore” could be a catchy name.

Bridget Marquardt, the only one of Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends to survive last month’s Playboy Mansion shake-up, is hinting that she’s on her way out. According to sources close to the mansion, Bridget really doesn’t want to deal with a 4-hour erection when it’s attached to a guy with papery skin and Dulco-Lax stains on his robe, especially when he keeps dozing off. Plus, from having sex his medications leech into her bloodstream and she gets really gross side effects like thick spit and she’s always drowsy.”

According to the New York Post, Madonna and Yankee superstar Alex Rodriguez recently helicoptered in for a rendezvous at Jerry Seinfeld’s house in the Hamptons. Wow! Something about that is hilarious – it sounds like kids in high school who say, “you can make out in my car cause I’m working a double shift at Arby’s – it’s the green Falcon parked behind the dumpster – but whatever you do, don’t touch the weed in the ash tray or I’ll kill you!!!” Somehow billionaires pimping nooners is even more tawdry. “Use Heli-pad #5 because there’s less wind coming from the southeast – there are some nice 1931 Rothschilds in the wine cellar – and I’ll have Paul Prudhomme come by and cook dinner for you. Just use whatever bedroom Sienna Miller isn’t in.”

Hi, I’m Glynette Cougarsmith, the new editor of Sex Lies and Hollywood. Like the Spike TV network, I’m working hard to attract a base of 18-34 year old males – although that’s on my day off, tee hee. I’m empty-nested, heteroflexible, and polyglottal in the language of love. I like shopping sprees, red carpets, swag, and scandals. I like 6-packs – ON people’s stomachs to make them gorgeous, and IN their stomachs to make them open-minded. But right now it’s all about making you weak in the knees with the juiciest cybergossip in the world — buckle up!

Former Monty Python member John Cleese, who’s in the middle of a bitter divorce, said last week that marriage should be like a dog license. Cleese thinks there should be mandatory tests and training, and renewal every five years. You know, Mr. Cleese is speaking from the male perspective but I have to agree – if I ever get re-married I’m going to implant a microchip in hubby so I can track him, have him neutered to curb overpopulation, and hit him on the nose with a newspaper if I catch him peeing in the street or chasing anything that’s a euphemism for “kitties.”

Do I love Halloween parties? You know it. What’s better than bringing home a guy in a zombie outfit and finding out there’s a wild man under all that rubber! As always, celebrity costumes were popular this year – but it wasn’t just Obama, Palin, Schwarzenegger and Stallone. Take a look at some of these…

Hulk Hogan

Carrot Top

Jeff Bridges

Pete Postlethwaite… a big seller this year.

James Carville

Uncle Junior from the Sopranos

Bill O’Reilly

Beyonce Knowles told People Magazine that she prepared to play the role of the much heavier singer Etta James by “eating ice cream — lots and lots of ice cream.” By coincidence, that’s the same way Rachael Ray prepared for her role as The New Martha Stewart.

For Denise Richards, reality is no more

Denise Richards’ reality show has been cancelled, and the TV industry is taking the news badly. According to sources close to the show, several distraught television executives were seen wandering the streets of Hollywood with thousand yard stares, believing the cancellation is a sign that America may have reached the saturation point for morons. “It was very much the kind of expression people on Wall Street had in 1929,” said the source. “If TV viewers decide they’re sick of watching abject dimwits go shopping for hats and fret about their retarded lives, it could trigger a depression in the entertainment industry that’ll make the Dust Bowl look like a picnic.”

[poll=8]

In the world of TV, what’s old is new again

In the world of TV, CBS has greenlit “Streets Of San Francisco: The Next Generation.” According to a source close to the networks, this was just the first of several similar announcements. “There are still a few shows that haven’t been exhumed from their caskets and turned into cheesebag movies, aka Starsky & Hutch, Charlie’s Angels, Brady Bunch. In the coming months the other networks will be announcing many other ‘post-modernized’ shows like My Mother The Hybrid Car, M*E*T*H, The Courtship Of Eddie’s Mommy’s Baby Daddy, Friends With Benefits, I Love Louie (a sit-com set in the world of a reality show where Louie Anderson has to pick a same-sex marriage partner), and Genital Hospital (a drama set at a vaginal rejuvenation clinic in Beverly Hills).

Britney’s boy already into butts

Britney Spears’ parenting skills have come under fire yet again after photographs emerged showing the star smoking in front of her son as he plays with a packet of cigarettes. The singer, branded ‘Puff Mommy’ by the press, eventually takes the smokes and a lighter from the two-year-old’s hands, but continues to subject him to second-hand smoke. According to a source close to the pop star, Britney was cavalier about it. “Big deal,” Britney told the source.” “Barbra Streisand’s son plays with pee-pees – I’ll go with Marlboros any day.”

What price fame? Nerd cooties

As part of the cast of NBC’s superhero-driven “Heroes,” Hayden Panetierre is contractually obligated to go the Comic-Con convention in San Diego. Judging by this picture, she did the meet-n-greet with one too many 28-year-old live-at-homes. According to a source close to the Comic-Con visitors bureau, “Hayden Panettiere was extremely popular that day. And with that crowd? I hope she was using the Purell with a spermicide additive.”

Pictured: Justin and Ashton in better times 

Show biz feud alert: Justin Timberlake has lashed out at Ashton Kutcher for Kutcher’s claim that he made trucker caps popular, insisting he sported the style long before the actor did.   Timberlake is convinced he was the first celeb to sport a trucker cap and is upset that Ashton Kutcher claims he is.   According to sources close to both actors, however, Timberlake did admit that Kutcher was the first to customize his Play-Doh Fun Factory so it looked like a butt extruding poo-poo. 

Access Hollywood

Jerry Lewis got stopped in the Vegas airport for having a gun in his carry-on.   Lewis denied any wrongdoing, claiming it was a prop gun and he didn’t know it was in the bag, but a source close to the comedian believes the gun is real but it serves a purpose.  “Jerry needs that pistol for medical reasons,” said the source.  “If the cabin pressure drops, his enormous head could explode – if it starts swelling, he needs to fire a round into a non-lethal area of the skull to release pressure.  He can do it with car keys but it’s messier.”

Telegraph

Lindsay Lohan paid tribute to her lover Samantha Ronson in New York by wearing a T-shirt decorated with a silhouette of a woman that looked just like Sam, complete with trilby hat and cigarette; it was topped with the French term for love – ‘j’adore’.    According to sources close to the Hollywood dating scene, “Lance Armstrong was obviously thinking along the same lines.  He paid tribute to his new girlfriend Kate Hudson by going out alone to a Beverly Hills nightclub wearing a t-shirt that said, ‘I’m not a gynecologist but I’ll take a look.’”  

This Is London

According to Ryan Seacrest, a shark bit him over the weekend – and the little maneater even left a tooth in the American Idol host’s toe.   But a source close to E! Entertainment expressed skepticism over the attack.  “Bit by a shark?” scoffed the source.   “That sounds kind of like telling Mom the red mark on your neck the night after the prom was because the label on your collar chafed you.   Could it be that someone made a love connection on craigslist in the “foot fetish” category and didn’t take the right precautions?”   However, witnesses say that Seacrest was really bitten by a shark.  One source close to the Malibu lifeguard department says, “Oh it was a shark.  No one was rolling tape, but if you want to see how Ryan reacted, check out THIS.”  (go on click it – you won’t get electrocuted, I promise.)  

Entertainment Weekly

How refreshing to see a story about Sienna Miller that isn’t about her stealing a husband or jumping in the sack with someone new!  It’s actually a movie-related item, about her role in the upcoming “Hippie Hippie Shake.”  According to a story in the Mirror, because of today’s different waxing styles, the actress had to get CGI pubic hair for a nude scene because Sienna’s minimalist “coiffure” looked out of place in the movie which was set in the 1960’s.   According to a source close to the production, “She tried to just let it grow out, but apparently conditions have become so squalid in her nether regions — it’s become such a hostile environment — that human hair can’t grow.   Witnesses who’ve been near Sienna’s vagina estimate that with the concentrations of ammonia and poisonous gas around her vagina, the possibility of sustained life are approximately the same as on Jupiter.”  According to another source, “Rats and lemon trees – those are the only things remaining down there.  Thank goodness for CGI.”    

Technorati

It’s been revealed that Brad and Angelina’s recent twins were conceived with the help of in vitro fertilization.  Brangelina is said to be so pleased with the “twofer” that they’re investigating other technologies that can allow them to expand their flock faster.   According to a source close to the couple, “Brad and Angelina are considering buying an abandoned doll factory in Mexico and having it retrofitted to produce human babies.  Brad also recently purchased the Superdome in his adopted home of New Orleans and is having it renovated so it can hold close to a thousand ‘mommy-coops,’ where surrogate mothers can do outboard incubations of Angelina’s eggs and Brad’s sperm.  To minimize paperwork on international adoptions, Brad and Angelina also bought the QE2; they have it anchored in international waters so the mothers can give birth and the babies can be brought ashore in tenders.”  The source added, “The philosopher Schopenhauer said that riches and fame are like sea-water; the more you drink the thirstier you become; Brad and Angelina are okay with their money and fame, it’s just babies they want more of, lots more.”    

NY Daily News

Talking about his marriage to Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher told an interviewer, “I have a rule for myself when I am not on location shooting: that I am home for dinner by 6pm every night.”  Thank you for that, Ashton  – if there were any doubts that you’re the Timmy to a Cougar, they’re gone now.   Any other details you’d care to share?  No TV after 7:00 on schoolnights?   If you don’t eat your peas you don’t get a Popsicle?   Do you always use your ‘indoor voice’ so you don’t disturb Mommy when she’s napping?   After you’re finished brushing your teeth, do you push your little step-stool back under the sink? 

Now

Sienna Miller is staying with her father in New York after being snubbed by friends on both sides of the Atlantic who are disgusted over her affair with Balthazar Getty, a married father of four.   According to an article in the Daily Mail, the 26-year-old actress has been nicknamed ‘Sluttyienna’ and ‘Serial Miller’ because of her increasingly long list of lovers.   Informed of the nicknames, a source close to the actress said “‘Sluttyienna’?  ‘Serial Miller’?  Really?  C’mon let’s open it up.  How about  Semen-Enema Miller?  [If you say them out loud they sound better.]  Or how about Three-Men-A Day Miller?  Or C-Word-enna Miller?”  

Daily Mail

A statue of Amy Winehouse has been unveiled at the legendary Madame Tussaud’s London wax museum.  A source close to Winehouse said, “Actually the wax version of Amy is much easier to deal with.  It doesn’t slap fans, doesn’t get weird rashes on its face, and stands still instead of wandering around and bumping into walls like a Roomba.”  

People

Speaking about the incident earlier this week that got him arrested, “Dark Knight” star Christian Bale admitted to inconsistencies in his personality.   “Everyone loses their sh*t on occasions, don’t they?  Like, ‘Oh God, what demon possessed me to do that?’ My wife gets to live with a variety of men. Some of them she likes, some of them she doesn’t.”   I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that his wife only met a couple of them when they were dating, like the one who loved going to the flower market with her and the one who loved a prolonged period of foreplay during which she told him the details of the dream she had last night or her fight with her boss.   It’s a good bet the other personalities hit their stride after the marriage – like the one that would prefer a “Deadliest Catch” marathon to going to a wedding, and the one who spends hours a day Googling in his underpants, and the one who’s too lazy to get out of the recliner to answer the door, and the one who lets the dog lick meat off his lips but won’t hold your hand in public, and the one who insists on sleeping in a bra because he says it’s good for his posture.

The Sun

According to Star Magazine, Matthew Broderick had an affair with a 25 year old woman while his wife of eleven years Sarah Jessica Parker was off shooting the “Sex and the City” movie.   A source close to the couple expressed indignation, saying, “Why would you go out for hamburger when you have horsemeat at home?”

Star Magazine

George Clooney has been named Hollywood Bachelor of the Year by the celebrity news show The Insider.   Oh come on!  What a waste!  That’s like Tiger Woods winning another million to go with his billion.  You want that award to mean something?  Give the Hollywood Bachelor of the Year award to my nephew Mike who’s making eight bucks an hour as a runner on a reality show!  He’d kiss that trophy like it was the Stanley Cup.  He could date reality show contestants desperate for contact with any kind of celebrity and achieve his goal of quadrupling his career sexual activity during his first year in LA.   Or, give the award to my buddy Jose, who works as a security guard in Hollywood.   At the moment, he has trouble with English so trying to get dates on facebook is a big hassle for him.  If he was Hollywood Bachelor of the Year, he could walk into an Appleby’s on a Friday night and the ladies would go weak in the knees over the embroidered badge on his polyester jacket.  Better yet, give it to my neighbor Jimmy who works as some kind of utility guy at the CW Network.  He’s a douchebag and if he got the award, it would go to his head and he’d definitely fool around and his wife Penny would finally kick him out.  She’s a nice lady, much nicer than him, and my wife and I have talked about how much we’d like to fix her up with my brother.  But George Clooney?   You might as well just dump the trophy in the river. 

Hollywood.com

Madonna may be having a meltdown while preparing for her upcoming  “Sweet & Sticky” tour.   The combination of her marriage crisis, allegations of her affair with A-Rod, and her brother’s tell-all book have caused her to fire two dancers and pushed her famous mood swings to such terrifying extremes that her tour manager is threatening to walk out.  In fact a source close to Madonna says her promoter is seriously considering changing the name of the tour from “Sweet & Sticky” to “Cranky & Skanky.”

The Sun

According to new Bond girl Gemma Arterton, James Bond star Daniel Craig wears stacked heels in the new movie Quantum of Solace.  Gemma, who stands 5’7”, said “Daniel is 5’10” but when they put me in heels I was taller than him and it didn’t look good on screen.”  A source close to the Bond production team admitted that the situation caught producers off guard.  “They’re already thinking of ways to remedy this in the next film,” said the source.  “Technicians are working on giving Bond a telescoping femur that fills with blood and elongates, utilizing the ingenious design features of the boner.  For all of Bond’s exotic paramours, it seems that Aborigines, Amazons, and WNBA players have been conspicuously absent – this will be a way to expand his pool of tarts and get more creepy dick-centric innuendo into the script.” 

News24

The Guardian published a story this weekend about a member of a Romanian forgery ring being arrested after he tried to pass himself off as Robert De Niro during a roadside check.   This was a week after a story was published about a group of Swedish tourists chasing Ricky Gervais down the street in Hollywood thinking he was DeNiro.   According to inside Hollywood sources, the two seemingly unconnected events have sent actor Steven Seagal spiraling into a rage; sources say the “Under Siege” actor was overheard screaming at his publicist, “DeNiro hasn’t done an interview in years but he’s in the news – that means HIS publicist is doing his job!  I don’t care how you do it, I want some of this PR – go on, find a bankrupt German town and give them ten grand to put a statue of me in the town square, and get it in the news!  Leak a rumor that I’ve fathered every kid in some village in Eskimo-land.   Name a disease after me – a hurricane –how the hell did Dolly Parton get that? — but make it freaking happen!”   Be warned, readers – if you hear about a guy climbing the Eiffel Tower while wearing a “Steven Seagal Rules” t-shirt, or two guys in Steven Seagal Halloween masks arrested in the men’s room at the Will Rogers Memorial Park restroom, it could be the work of a PR firm. 

The Guardian,, Monsters & Critics

51 year old Kim Cattrall says she won’t get plastic surgery because “I’ve no desire to look as though I’m in my 20s.”  Good thing – imagine how bitterly Sarah Jessica Pony-puss (she of the longstanding feud with Kim) would hate her if she did!   Cattrall went on to say that she doesn’t want to go under the knife because “I’d be too frightened I’d end up not looking like myself. I don’t want to look in the mirror and see The Joker from Batman staring back at me.”   Which actually brings up a good point – when they’re casting The Joker for the inevitable next Batman, maybe they should consider Jocelyn “The Lioness” Wildenstein, renowned to be the world’s foremost plastic surgery addict…  

Celebitchy

According to the website HollywoodTuna.com, rumors are swirling that there’s a sex tape of Jessica Simpson having sex with Nick Lachey.   And according to sources close to the Simpson family, this is just another misguided scheme dreamed up by her supercreepy father-manager Joe Simpson to get her back in the news.   “Remember,” said one source, “this is the same guy who’s gone on record talking with gusto about his daughter’s rack.  And who wanted Tony Romo to dump his sports agent so he could manage him.  Maybe Joe hid in the closet and videotaped them, or maybe there isn’t even a tape, but it’s not a stretch to imagine Joe Simpson doing late night infomercials on Spike TV saying ‘for just $19.95 you can get a tape of my daughter ‘doin’ it Hollywood style.’”   According to another source, “Joe Simpson is also trying to market a live pay-per-view of his daughter Ashlee giving birth.  They’re talking about including a patented BirthCanalCam which will be implanted surgically on the crown of the baby’s head while it’s in the womb.  When the baby emerges, the camera will reveal the face of the father, rock and roller Pete Wentz.” 

Hollywood Tuna

Dina Lohan is making a point of being supportive about her daughter Lindsay’s lesbian relationship with Samanatha Ronson, telling people how cute the pair looked.   According to a source close to the family, Dina’s happiness is real.   “If Lindsay kept sleeping around with guys,” said the source, “it was just a matter of time until she got knocked up.    At least this way, Dina won’t be driving a bunch of grandkids to rehab in 15 years.  Dina taught Lindsay that the best birth control is a girl’s tongue – this isn’t exactly what she was talking about, but it’s working.” 

NY Daily News

Dreamworks is being sued by a Chinese artist named Zhao Bandi because the panda in “Kung Fu Panda” has green eyes, which he says are evil and not the way a Chinese panda should be represented.   Zhao also wanted an explanation as to why the panda’s father is a duck instead of a panda.    How about every cartoon being sued?   How about French artists suing because French poodles in cartoons walk on two legs and speak English and they know how to use can openers?   How about the English suing because English spaniels in cartoons have straight teeth and don’t eat boiled peas?   How about Iran suing because Persian cats in cartoons don’t speak Farsi or test nuclear warheads?   

Irish Times

John Cleese has new girlfrend who’s exactly half his age.   The 68-year-old actor, who’s in the middle of divorcing his third wife, whisked 34-year-old Veronica Smiley off to Italy’s Great Lakes for a recent vacation.   A source close to Cleese’s ex-wife was quoted as saying “He’s dating a 34 year old???  I think his python is suffering from Fawlty Vision.” 

Daily Mail

Hoping to honor rocker Elton John before his first-ever Vermont performance, Ben & Jerry’s has whipped up an ice cream flavor just for him called “Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road.”  The limited-batch ice cream, made from “an outrageous symphony of decadent chocolate ice cream, peanut butter cookie dough, butter brickle and white chocolate chunks,” is a take-off on his 1970s album and song “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.”   According to sources close to the ice cream maker, they’d considered several other flavors, but Sir Elton was opposed to Fudgepacker Swirl, Longtime Companion Crunch, and Aging Fruit Sorbet.

 Associated Press

Katherine Heigl has decided to stay with ”Grey’s Anatomy” despite her recent malignant outburst about last season’s script quality.  TV critics expressed surprise at hearing this after word got out recently about how angry producer Shonda Rimes was at Heigl for the slam.   But according to sources close to the show, “The writers are mad, but all they can do is make the most of it.   One thing they’re considering is telling Heigl that her character needs to gain 60 pounds; when she does she’ll be fired and her other work options will be limited.  Another idea they’re toying with is creating a hidden camera reality show within the show and not telling Heigl.  They might send her character to a leper colony; afterward Shonda will reveal to her on live TV ‘that wasn’t makeup Katherine – the leper you made love with was real.  The good news is, there are nice homes available on Culion Island.’”  

Examiner

PBS is filming the New York production of King Lear to air on their TV network, and they’re debating whether to show the scene in which actor Ian McKellen is full frontally nude.   This brings up an important issue — do you have to get a faceful of English sausage every time you see a show now?  Between McKellen and Harry Potter in Equus you can’t escape it.   Is this another consequence of the weak dollar, that we’re outsourcing the naked weiner parts?   Not that I’m eager to see them with the “Made in the USA” or “USDA” stamped on them, but in movies too it seems like there’s always a guy named Ewan or Rhys or Nigel in a big hurry to take his pants off.   Okay, the pound is strong – you win – now put away your man-meat. 

Globe & Mail

Heath Ledger is getting rave reviews for his part as the Joker in the new Batman movie, Dark Knight, which opens this weekend.   Alas, Ledger passed away tragically earlier this year; sadly, it seems, that opportunistic Andy Dick is already campaigning to take over the role…   

Ranae Shrider, a woman who had sex with Verne Troyer, has provided reporters with details galore about the Mini-Me actor’s sexual performance, how many times he can do it and what duration, etc.  You know, I’m all for some NC-17 kiss-and-tell if it’s about George Clooney or John McCain or Spencer Pratt, but I truly believe that this woman should shut up.   If you have sex with a novelty act, you BECOME a novelty act yourself –the way people refer to someone with an extra nose as “the guy with the extra nose,” they’ll refer to someone who slept with him as “the girl who slept with the guy with the extra nose.”   Therefore, professional courtesy should kick in, and you should shut your cupcake-hole.   Okay, freak?  

Huffington Post

According to sources close to the French film industry, French production company Canal+ Pictures is close to signing a five year deal with Angelina Jolie.  According to a source close to Canal+, “Canal+ will change its name to BirthCanal+ and instead of action pictures will focus only on pictures of Angelina Jolie’s children.  After all, every picture of her babies makes millions – way more than you can say for their comedies and action pictures.  Her uterus is prolific and has a low overhead, and thanks to its merger with Brad Pitt’s production team, is cranking out reliably profitable top-quality pictures year after year.”  

Posh Spice told Allure Magazine in a recent interview that she hates all the attention.  (PAUSE SO YOU CAN FINISH LAUGHING).  Right – and Warren Buffett hates all the money.  And John Goodman hates all the food.   And Lance Armstrong hates all the sex.  And Tiger Woods wishes he had a desk job.  

Metro.co.uk 

61 year old Rolling Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood is on a crazy bender, drinking two bottles of vodka a day with 19 year old Russian cocktail waitress Ekaterina Ivanova.   A word to the wise to the younger generation – THAT’S how a guy who calls himself a “rock ‘n’ roller” SHOULD behave.  Enough with the mineral water and conditioning coaches and vegan diet.  For a guy who calls himself a rock ‘n’ roller, a good weekend should end with photos on Smoking Gun, a piercing you don’t remember getting, 20 million dead brain cells, and a Viagra-baby with fetal alcohol syndrome.  The Rolling Stones are the guys who allegedly set the standard, the lions – it’s good to see them back in the trenches getting their hands dirty instead of acting like James Blunt and letting Amy Winehouse do all the work.  

times on line

HBO is already working with Warner Brothers to develop a sequel to the “Sex and the City” movie.  According to sources close to the production, “there is enormous interest” on the part of Warner Brothers.   Lest we fall behind the other media outlets in the quest to publicize the 2009 or 2010 or 2011 release of “SATC: The Second Time Lasts Longer” or “SATC: The Second Coming” or whatever creepy name they give it, let’s quickly come up with some inane and meaningless stories that we can use to keep the girls in the press: 

Sarah Jessica Parker:  “When I was growing up, I was ashamed of my feet.”   

Cynthia Nixon:  “I think me being a lesbian has turned my cat into a lesbian – when other female cats go into heat, she can’t stay away.”  

Kristen Davis:  “I find doing crafts is very erotic.” 

Kim Cattrall:  “My vagina is writing a children’s book.”    

 herald sun

61 year old Rolling Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood has fallen in love with an 19 year old Russian girl after going on a bender with her at an exotic club in London.   It kind of sounds like an SAT question:  If Ronnie Wood is 42 years older than his girlfriend and 36 years older than his son, and Mick Jagger is 24 years older than his girlfriend and 38 years older than his daughter, and Mick Jagger is 3 years older than Ronnie Wood, how much older is Mick Jagger’s daughter than Ronnie Wood’s son?   Answer: 8 years, which is about how old Mick Jagger’s youngest kid is.

one india

I know we promised the sexliesandhollywood.com website would be getting a facelift but the surgeon nicked a nerve and the healing is taking longer than we thought.   We kind of look like we had “creative differences” with Josh Brolin and Jeffrey Wright, so we’re going to leave the bandages on and stick with the tried and true for a couple more weeks before we trot out our new look.  Until then, remember, we cherish your visits, we  ? your referrals, and we hope you enjoy the brand new items below.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says children need to be warned about the dangers of smoking, but Hollywood should not feel pressured to ban cigarettes and cigars from films aimed at youngsters.  “To suddenly tell actors not to smoke a cigarette in a movie when they portray a character [who smokes] is ludicrous.”   A source close to the governor added, “Yeah, smoking hurts people’s health, but so do other retarded things people do in movies, like running back into a building that’s engulfed in flames to save a photograph, or piloting a 747 when they have no training, or leaping from rooftop to rooftop, or getting in a fight with a guy who has KGB training while you’re both on motorcycles, or for that matter the movie clichés like standing up for what’s right when it’s just you against a bunch of heavily armed oaves in a parking lot.  And if you want health consequences, let’s talk about all those movies about guys having mid-life crises, movies that encourage people to “follow their heart” and leave a job as an executive to become a professional badminton player or horseshoes player or move to Montana and write a novel.  Danger?  Try telling your old lady ‘I’m not a CPA any more, I’m a surfer who writes poetry.’  The rear tire of her Tahoe will pop your head like a pimple before you’ve finished telling her about all the prize money you’re going to rack up.”  

Signs on San Diego

Angelina Jolie has given birth to fraternal twins, a boy named Knox and a girl named Vivienne.   Grieving over the lost opportunities for placements, international adoption agencies have declared a day of mourning.  Also many Third World countries ordered their citizens to slow down their feverish unchecked breeding now that Brangelina will have less time and resources to adopt the overflow. According to a source close to a major Pan-Pacific adoption agency, “Things were already slow because of copycat adopter Madonna’s divorce.   We’re hoping the Hollywood people who blindly parrot the actions of celebrities will pick up the slack, but for the kids, it’s not really the same.  I mean, being adopted by a William Morris agent and his wife who’s in a play in Sherman Oaks is not the same as winding up with Brangie.   Who knows, you could even wind up in public school or eating in chain restaurants or going to birthday parties with under-$100-range-gifts.  This is not what we want for our kids, but I guess it’s any port in a storm.”   

LA Times

Sex Lies and Hollywood is on vacation and will return tanned and rested on July 14 (Hollywood talk for “we’re getting a facelift – when we come back we’ll be wearing big sunglases and a floppy hat and we’ll have changed our hairstyle as a diversion”. )

According to a new report, Hugh Hefner is complaining that he has a bad back, and he blames it on too much sex: “Too much time in bed rustling around with friends,” were his exact words.  Oddly, when you compare him to most 82 year olds — who’ve wrecked their spines building canals or taking shrapnel on Iwo Jima – a bad back from nailing centerfolds sounds pretty gay.    Overall though, as Viagra worms its way deeper into the fabric of everyday life, it’s only a matter of time until AARP puts out an orthopedic Kama Sutra showing the vertebrae-friendly positions that a guy in a truss with an aching S-4 can do when he’s in bed with his wife who has a sub-standard hip replacement and calcium-deficient bones. 

Fox

Nelson Mandela has asked that Naomi Campbell be banned from his 90^th birthday party.  Meanwhile, Amy Winehouse is preparing to sing at the party.  Maybe it’s time for Naomi to start taking those anger management courses seriously – it’s not a good sign when you’re pointedly turned away from an event where a fainting crackhead with a teeth like a hillbilly streetfighter is welcomed.  

Times On Line

Of course Hollywood is one of those places where celebrities are always doing things like having babies in an ocean with the dolphins, or raising the babies to do yoga, or having string quartets play Beethoven to their pregnant stomachs in hopes of influencing their unborn fetuses.    Sometimes it goes to far – like sometimes women who are entrusted with the care and feeding of an infant just lose sight of the fine line between nurturing and nursing.   Come on, click here – don’t be intimidated by the technology.

News Of The World

According to actress Megan Fox, the upcoming Transformers 2 is “just going to be a badass movie. It’s just going to be a popcorn visual spectacle, summer film.” As for Michael Bay’s main directorial input to Megan: “His main note to me is just to look hot; so I try my best.”  Just knowing a director told his actress that, I have no choice but to smell an Oscar.  I mean, isn’t that like what a porn director tells his actress?  

MTV 

According to Page Six, Jenny from the block was acting like a major diva while shopping last week at the Catherine Malandrino boutique on Manhasset’s Miracle Mile . “She demanded the store be shut down for her to shop alone.  Then one of her eight-person entourage, including two bodyguards with their guns showing, was yelling at the clerk that Jennifer gets a 50 percent discount. Jennifer also tried on about a million outfits, then just threw it all in a pile in the dressing room and didn’t buy one thing.”  According to sources close to the shopkeepers, “apparently it’s not enough to have a huge ass any more – now you have to be one too.” 

Showhype 

Concert tickets to Madonna’s “Sweet & Sticky” tour are slow, and sales of her CD “Hard Candy” are disappointing.  What a shock!  It’s hard to imagine that people aren’t buying her as a coquette – maybe it’s the AARP tattoo peeking out from the thong line?   Or the vague smell of mothballs emanating from her peek-a-boo bra?  Or maybe it’s the blob of denture glue stuck to her tongue stud?   

Page Six

Sienna Miller burned her breasts during the filming of “G.I. Joe” when she ran the wrong way under an explosion during a stunt.  According a source close to Sienna’s new boyfriend, “It’s not so bad.  Like all English cooking – if you put enough Worcestershire Sauce on it it’ll cover that charred meat taste – not great, but palatable.”   

News24

Model Naomi Campbell has been ordered to perform 200 hours of community service as penance for the incident in which she kicked and spat at police officers on board a plane at Heathrow Airport in London.  International jetsetter that she is, sources say, Campbell is now planning a “Community Service World Tour” – she’s done it in New York, now London – hopefully she can do something ugly that’ll get her sentenced to community service in Milan next winter and hopefully Berlin or Paris in 2009 – “much more glamorous than just getting your passport stamped at the airport.”   

associated content

Amy Winehouse has been diagnosed with emphysema.  The illness is a result of damaging her lungs from smoking crack.   Sources close to Amy’s drug dealers are saying this news could be the impetus the singer needs to take the bull by the horns and get off the pipe and on the spike. 

bloomberg

“Get Smart” made $39 million despite a profusion of reviews with headlines like “not smart,” “ignorant,” “stupid,” etc.   They did one smart thing though – opened opposite “Love Guru” on a weekend when the western half of the nation was desperate for air-conditioning.

Eyewitness News 9

Award-winning actor Alan Cumming is to be honored by the gay community after The Trevor Project described him as an “inspiration” to youngsters.   Cumming, who starred in hits such as Spy Kids, GoldenEye and X-Men, will receive The Trevor Hero Award at the organization’s eighth annual New York gala at the end of the month.  According to a source familiar with the organization, Cumming has shown the infinite possibilities of gay life with his versatility.  “In real life he acts like a gay man, in movies he can play a gay or a straight man, and in photographs he looks like lesbian singer k.d. lang.   For someone like Alan who isn’t bogged down by things like gender roles, the possibilities are endless – if there’s a ‘Tootsie’ remake, or a bio-pic about Bruce Jenner or Paul McCartney, he’s the go-to guy.”

Pinknews

According to Page Sex, two of the gals from “Sex and the City” have followed up their movie with plastic surgery.  Last week Cynthia Nixon has had breast implants and Kristen Davis had surgery to remove varicose veins.   Unfortunately Sarah Jessica Parker’s doctor said she was beyond hope and she was destroyed trackside. 

New York Magazine

Gordon Ramsay used the F-word 80 times in 40 minutes on his show, “Kitchen Nightmares”….

Joan Rivers was kicked off a show for calling Russell Crowe a “piece of f***ing s**t”…  Charlie Sheen apologized for leaving voicemails in which he called ex-wife Denise Richards a “f***ing c**t” and a “f***ing n*****r”…   

David Beckham stuck to his policy of “show, don’t tell.” 

Musician and entrepreneur P. Diddy urges men to stay well-groomed for the women in their lives; the singer says his regimen includes manicures and pedicures and “I wax my privates.”   According to a source close to Diddy, the waxing isn’t just pleasurable for the ladies, it’s also about product placement; the singer pays his manscaper extra to create a little pubic topiary of the Sean John logo.  “His ladies and everyone at the gym gets a little bit of brand reinforcement,” said the source.  “And if someone ever releases a sex tape, at least he’ll be compensated.”  According to the source, Diddy isn’t the first celebrity to travel this road; Tiger Woods has his pubic hair in a Nike swoosh, Wilbert Brimley has his cut into the Liberty Medical logo, and Joan Rivers has a silver-haired Geico lizard. 

digital spy

The Puppy Store on Melrose Avenue in LA should get a prize from animal lovers. Over the weekend, Paris Hilton was on her way to a photo shoot and decided she wanted a puppy in the picture with her.  The heiress waltzed in and tried to buy a Yorkie but was rebuffed by an employee who said it was clearly “an impulse buy.” Hilton started screaming, “I love my puppies!  I want my baby!” – but to no avail. The store had no comment, but a canine actuary who overheard the event seemed relieved.  “Statistically, that puppy would have a better chance of living to adulthood if it was sold to a street-kebob vendor in Tijuana, or to Michael Vick,” said the actuary.   “Paris’s purse for a puppy is like a dark hallway for a co-ed during the first ten minutes of a “Friday the 13^th” movie – you see them go in there and you say ‘adios, cutie.’”       

Times of India

Joan Rivers was kicked off a live British TV show for saying that Russell Crowe is “a piece of f***ing s**t.”  Rivers was apologetic and said she thought there was a seven-second delay, but sources close to the TV show had a different opinion.  “It looked like a medical problem,” said the source.  “She tried to say he’s “a piece of hunky meat,” but she’s had so much plastic surgery that she’s completely lost control of her face.”  

news 24 

The Rock has announced that he’s no longer “The Rock” or Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson – now he’s just Dwayne Johnson.   According to inside Hollywood sources, the entertainment industry was rocked by the loss of the colorful nickname; according to the source, agents are trying to convince David Caruso to let himself be known as “The Douchebag” or, depending on the circumstances, David “The Douchebag” Caruso. 

411 Mania

Liv Tyler is not a fan of her father Steven Tyler’s fashion sense, and singles out the thing she hates the most:  the skin-tight trousers the Aerosmith frontman wears on stage.   Hard to blame her for not being enthusiastic about seeing her dad’s 60-year-old fruit bowl mashed into cow-hide  (actually more like a fruit salad at this point, or fruit compote) – according to sources close to the Hollywood music community, it was the sight of Cher’s onstage cameltoe that turned her daughter Chastity into a lesbian and made her son Elijah Blue an I.V. drug user.  

stuff.co.nz

Billy Bob Thornton says his ex-wife Angelina Jolie will leave Brad Pitt and go back to him.  That actually sounds more like when the Weekly World News would do psychic predictions in their New Year’s issue – Dick Cheney will reveal he’s an alien, and Angelina Jolie will choose her abusive hillbilly freak white-haired OCD skeletal afraid-to-fly ex-husband over Brad Pitt. 

marie claire

P. Diddy urges men to keep in shape for their female lovers, admitting that he goes through a strict grooming regime.   The singer says his regimen includes manicures and pedicures and “I wax my privates.”   Wow.  What a coincidence – me too!  Usually when I’m having my genitalia detailed, after they clean the road grime from the undercarriage, I pay another few bucks to have them waxed; afterwards I slap on a coat of polymer clear-coat and we’re good to go. 

digital spy

Better have those nurses frisk her beehive – she could have a bottle in there.   Occasionally you’ll meet someone who actually matches their last name – the physical quality that got their ancestors that name in the first place has been faithfully handed down and is intact.  Like someone whose last name is “Short” and they are, or someone whose last name is “White” and they are.  But usually it’s only sex industry professionals who have names that actually fit who they are, like Rod Long  or Dick Thick or Garth Girth or Mindy Melons.  But Amy Winehouse – she was born with that name and it really couldn’t be more perfect.   One lament – if she can have the last name Winehouse, it’s just too bad Charlie Sheen can’t be named Charlie Whorehouse. 

China Daily

According to the brother-in-law of ex-royal butler Paul Burrell, Burrell bragged that not only did he secretly have sex with Princess Di, he was on standby 24/7 and would often get booty calls in the middle of the night from the “kinky” and “domineering” royal.   Just the words “butler” and “sex” together are amusing;  somehow the thought of John Gielgud answering a jingling bell with no pants, a ball gag in his mouth, and a whip on a silver tray saying “You rang?” is delightful. 

heraldsun.com

Heather Mills has plunked down $5 million for a home in the same New York City neighborhood as Calvin Klein and Nicole Kidman.   According to sources close to Mills, she has four bathrooms, a beautiful view and a butler on standby 24/7 whose job is to assure her she’s more popular than Paul.  

New Zealand Herald

Corey Haim, who dated Posh Spice in 1995, reports that Mrs. Beckham is “a terrible kisser.”   What exactly does he mean?  According to a source close to the “Lost Boys” star, Haim defines a bad kisser as:  she’s so busy looking at her own reflection in the pupils of your eyes that it feels like she’s kissing herself; she has hungry-breath because she hasn’t eaten solid food in a week; her face has about as much movement as the statue of Abe Lincoln on Mount Rushmore because her lips are so cram-packed with Botox; if you kiss her too hard, her lips leak Botox, which leaves you numb and kills the tingle.  

Ireland on-line

The investment firm Colony Capital is discussing various repayment options for Michael Jackson’s $23 million debt, including a possible long-term engagement as the resident performer of a Vegas casino or nightclub, a source familiar with the talks said on Friday.   According to sources close to Jackson, his ideal scenario would be 200 shows a year at a Chuck E. Cheese casino or a Cub Scout-themed casino.  However, according to sources close to the entertainer, Jackson told Colony Capital that if a casino was unavailable he’d be happy to work off his debt working as a doctor who does the annual physicals for the boys sports teams at a middle or elementary school. 

reuters

The sexy star bared all for the men’s magazine in 2004 and now that her marriage to Charlie Sheen is over, the actress is thinking about making a return. In fact, according to sources close to Denise, she’s already busy filling out her ”Playmate Data Sheet.”  Items listed under “pet peeves” included “husbands who erode baseline alimony by spending 7 million on hookers,” “people who think you’re dumb just because you’re blonde and you say stupid things,” and “guys who trick you into having sex.”  

stuff.co.nz

Posh Spice went to Disneyland with her family last week – and by the looks of things, it sure as hell wasn’t for fun!  In fact, according to sources close to the actress, she was there for an audition – apparently they had parts open for new dwarves — Pissy, Pricey, PMSy, Crabby, Princessy, Precious, and Surly. 

TMZ

“Grey’s Anatomy” star Katherine Heigl has withdrawn herself from Emmy consideration because “I did not feel that I was given the material this season to warrant an Emmy nomination.”   Well, I’m sure the writers will be sure to give her all the best story lines next year to repay her for that kind of comment – like, if there’s a hospital drama where one of the staff has to dig a rolled-up pancho raincoat out of a guy’s heinie, guess who’s going to be up their elbows in limelight, Kathy?   In a related story, Carrot Top has withdrawn from Oscar consideration because of the substandard shoelaces in his Senator Craig prop; Taco Bell has withdrawn from consideration from Michelin’s book of 3 star restaurants because they got a poor shipment of iceberg lettuce; Heidi Montag withdrew from consideration for the Nobel Peace Prize because she was so puzzled by a line of dialogue in “Marmaduke” that she shot herself in the head with a nail gun; and Lindsay Lohan has withdrawn her name as a possible vice presidential candidate because of a series of unacceptable haircuts. 

huffington post

Brooke Hogan isn’t pleased with the fact that she knows her mom Linda’s new 19-year-old boyfriend from school – in fact, “He was a grade under me.” Brooke, the daughter of wrestling legend Hulk Hogan, confessed the relationship makes her uncomfortable, saying, “I’m totally freaked out. This is really weird…” 

A source close to Brooke Hogan says she was especially irked that  because of his relationship with Linda, the boyfriend expected Brooke to give him a Father’s Day gift.   Even more pathetic, the gift he asked for was a fake I.D.”   

imdb

According to a new report, George Clooney’s ex-girlfriend Sarah Larson got breast implants to impress him – but he was so put off by them that he dumped her!    According to a source close to the actor, Clooney’s reaction isn’t a big surprise.  “Hmmm… ” mused the source.  “You know, when you’re trying to entice a 47 year old, fashionable, artistic, well-dressed, confirmed bachelor, maybe breasts aren’t the right bait to be using… just a thought…”

NDTV

The world is abuzz about how rich Brangelina is now that they bought that mansion in France.   On top of the reported $65 million the pair is spending on their French villa, there are armed cars and helicopters and they’re spending hundreds of thousands decorating the nursery with chandeliers and organza bassinets.   To top it off, Brad Pitt flew to Switzerland and bought three pieces of rare furniture for half a million dollars.   It seems kind of silly to buy a coffee table for 300 grand when you have six kids, but I guess once you’re that rich, you hire a nanny just to take care of the table, and if she does a good job, maybe she can get bumped up to walking dogs or feeding cats and if that goes well, one day she can be allowed to take care of Zahara or Shiloh.   

 msnbc

Jack Black says he’s working out because he wants to do nude scenes in movies.   Two words: prolific vomit.   Jack, if you want to be naked in the sound booth while you’re doing voices for “Kung Fu Panda 2,” go nuts, but that’s really as far as your movie-related nudity should go.   In live action movies, for the love of God keep your pants on.  For that matter, all your clothes — the world is still recovering from Kathy Bates in the hot tub and that big hairy guy who straddled Borat.  

stuff.co.nz